you're so lame. i bet you think this blog is about you. don't you.
i went to the prince concert. booya.

"dance. music. sex. romance."
- prince

i was sitting outside composing a blog in my head. something i havent done in a really long time. and now here i am faced with the keyboard. and the blog that was so beautiful in my head is now gone. i still feel as if i age each day more than the average person. and i wonder what will happen in a couple of years if i continue on this way.

my relationships to the people around me have changed this summer. my needs for certain people have shifted. i still like the company of others, but its different now than it ever has been. i have lost a great part of me that used to need to be surrounded by many people in order to feel like myself. lately i dont have the same primal need for big groups of friends. i have withdrawn a great deal. i have been blaming circumstance... but i secretly know otherwise.

i am and always will be a selfish person. my dad always saw that. but i think he was wrong in trying to change that part of me. it is when i am most selfish that i make the most sense... that i am the strongest. "this selfishness is not only part of me. it is the most living part. it is by somehow transcending rather than by avoiding this selfishness that i can bring poise and balance into my life." (fitzgerald, this side of paradise) i couldnt have found a better passage.

i am starting to realize that not many people are what they want to be. that most of us have visions or ideas of what we want to be. the character that we will never play. and maybe it isnt as sad as i once thought. it is comforting to know that maybe we are better people. better beings than the stock characters we aspire to be. im not the character i romanticize in my head. but im starting to feel like i need to let go of that. i need to stop thinking about the woman i want to be... and start thinking about what kind of PERSON i want to be.