someone hold my hand
so i sent it. $900 dollars deposited. room reservation completed. i'm happy, right? then why am i crying? why am i scared out of my mind? why did i regret it as soon as i clicked it? why do i not know what i'm doing... why am i so terrified of these decisions... why am i fucking crying? i am so horrible with change. its easy to say that yes, i'm going to mcgill. but to actually do it... it scares me. i can't stop saying that. i'm scared. i'm scared. i'm scared i made the wrong choice. i'm scared i will hate it. i'm scared that my parents will hate me for it. i'm scared that i will lose the people i don't want to. i'm scared that i won't meet anyone i will ever be afraid of losing. i'm scared of being me right now. i'm scared that the things i'm running away from are not sufficient reasons to be running away. i'm scared that i won't be able to do this. i'm scared of being a different person. i'm scared i won't be able to write another sentence ever again that doesn't start with "i'm scared".

goddammit, i hate this. i hate it and i love it. but i can't help regretting everything as soon as its decided. someone encourage me. someone love me. someone pretend that things aren't going to change. someone else assure me that they will, but only for the better. i suck. muchos.