growing old
my grandpa's dying. he's in the hospital sick with no one knows what... my mom visited him and had to wear a gown and mask. she said he had lost a lot of weight and was really shaky. sometimes this whole being in montreal, disconnection thing has its drawbacks. even though my relationship with my grandpa hasn't been that great these past couple of years, i still wish i was there. he's been deteriorating for a while now i guess. it hasn't really possible for us to have a good relationship. but he has always been there, in the corner making silly remarks and going on tangents even after everyone in the room has stopped listening. my favourite memory is playing tiddly winks with him at sauble beach. i'm not sure how i'm going to react when he goes... but i know i don't feel too great now.

my parents are having "the talk" tomorrow. the divorce talk. the separation talk. i don't know how to react to that either. i'm relieved its finally happening. their relationship has been the undercurrent of my life for most of my teens and i've been expecting this to happen for years. but it doesn't make it any less sad. and talking to my mom... who sometimes is ok, but talks really fast and agitated about it. the phone isn't enough, never mind a phone call from work. my dad doesn't talk to me about it at all. its not his way to involve me in his life like that. i'm not sure what's going to happen from here... and again i am separated enough so that i can only imagine what everyone is going through. all i can do is try to decipher my mom's voice, my sister's fears, and my dad's silence. i always assumed my dad's silence meant he was fine. so i will always think he will be fine in the end. its my mom im worried about. ive wanted her to get out for a while now... she needs to. its like hitting her head against a brick wall living in that house. im just scared she wont know what to do without the comfort of the brick wall, as cold and hard as it is. i will be glad when this is all past us... we've all been stuck here for far too long... stuck in this limbo of happiness and tension... impressions and reality... hope and tears...

and sometimes, against my better judgment, i think back... and wonder if it had to happen this way.