the setting
a small room, that becomes a better reflection of me each day... newly hung star-like things above my desk. ok, they're simply paper christmas decorations that i bought at ikea. hung on some borrowed yarn. the lights are all off... sitting here in my undies and a "vaginas are cool" tee... after a failed attempt at sleep.
the playlist
badly drawn boy - fall in a river
ben harper - by my side, not fire not ice, show me a little shame
eels - i write the b-sides
ella fitzgerald - someone to watch over me
jeff buckley - grace
kings of convenience - winning a battle, losing the war
nick drake - cello song
the story
im singing really softly to myself and it almost feels as if i can sing. the boys above are playing the same smashing pumpkins song as they did about five minutes ago. so maybe theres not much of a story here. not in the typical rising action, climax sense. just me. awake when so much of me wants to be asleep. trying to think of something good to say. perhaps trying not to think of certain things. wondering why some people... the people you sometimes really need to "get" you... simply weren't built to. and the blame game has been played countless times. shit has been thrown, picked up, and re-thrown. doors have been slammed, drinks have been downed. and still its there. still the only common ground we can find is not big enough for the both of us. and i wish that he was different, as i know he wishes i was too. and its hard sometimes. hard to justify being me. i know i shouldn't have to. but i want to justify it to him. i want him to accept certain things about me. things that aren't so bad. i want to show him that these conceptions he holds, they aren't true. im different than he thinks. and i really want the opportunity to be shown that he is different than what i think. but i know... i know he's not. just as im sure he knows im not. and sometimes you just get tired. sometimes you just have to flip the switch and stop caring. its taken me years to find this switch. but now, its easier... im halfway out. i just wish he would do the inevitable and cut me off now... save me the wait. im sure he knows its coming too. and im sure he will see it as my fault. and i can honestly say, i wont care. so maybe me cutting him off now... maybe this is it. maybe we wont talk again. its sad as all hell. but sometimes the people you didn't choose really are the ones you dont need. lets hope.
a small room, that becomes a better reflection of me each day... newly hung star-like things above my desk. ok, they're simply paper christmas decorations that i bought at ikea. hung on some borrowed yarn. the lights are all off... sitting here in my undies and a "vaginas are cool" tee... after a failed attempt at sleep.
the playlist
badly drawn boy - fall in a river
ben harper - by my side, not fire not ice, show me a little shame
eels - i write the b-sides
ella fitzgerald - someone to watch over me
jeff buckley - grace
kings of convenience - winning a battle, losing the war
nick drake - cello song
the story
im singing really softly to myself and it almost feels as if i can sing. the boys above are playing the same smashing pumpkins song as they did about five minutes ago. so maybe theres not much of a story here. not in the typical rising action, climax sense. just me. awake when so much of me wants to be asleep. trying to think of something good to say. perhaps trying not to think of certain things. wondering why some people... the people you sometimes really need to "get" you... simply weren't built to. and the blame game has been played countless times. shit has been thrown, picked up, and re-thrown. doors have been slammed, drinks have been downed. and still its there. still the only common ground we can find is not big enough for the both of us. and i wish that he was different, as i know he wishes i was too. and its hard sometimes. hard to justify being me. i know i shouldn't have to. but i want to justify it to him. i want him to accept certain things about me. things that aren't so bad. i want to show him that these conceptions he holds, they aren't true. im different than he thinks. and i really want the opportunity to be shown that he is different than what i think. but i know... i know he's not. just as im sure he knows im not. and sometimes you just get tired. sometimes you just have to flip the switch and stop caring. its taken me years to find this switch. but now, its easier... im halfway out. i just wish he would do the inevitable and cut me off now... save me the wait. im sure he knows its coming too. and im sure he will see it as my fault. and i can honestly say, i wont care. so maybe me cutting him off now... maybe this is it. maybe we wont talk again. its sad as all hell. but sometimes the people you didn't choose really are the ones you dont need. lets hope.
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