i get stuck between all the things i mean, but i don't think i mean much anyway
i think i figured it out. there is this feeling i miss. its something i just realized that i don't get here. its not a specific emotion or anything... more a certain combination of emotions. let me try and explain through examples.

the days i used to feel so introverted and get on the subway to wander around downtown. i would smile at lots of people and walk with my head low swinging my bag. sometimes i would bring a book to read... but usually i would do absolutely nothing except be somewhere different. get out of my own head. and then i would come home to a warm dinner and a bantering family. and i liked the contrast between the two.

or the days i would feel inspired and drive to market village to buy paint and canvas from curries. i would take the long way and drive through markham with the windows rolled down and some sort of music blasting. i would often sing outloud and laugh to myself. i might dress a little different than i normally would. i would pull on the skirt from the back of my closet saved especially for days when i didn't want to feel the same. and this trip would leave me refreshed.

i miss working. driving to work blasting the white stripes. having coffee with the friends who always dropped by and made me feel loved. i miss locking up and sweeping with something loud blaring through the cafe. maybe something lonely. i miss walking out to my car and driving out of cornell. i miss how my hands used to smell like coffee grinds for the rest of the night, and sometimes even the next day.

i miss the feeling of shutting off. of being able to drive somewhere... of submersing myself in work... i dont know. maybe this is homesickness.