someone i could become
i just finished reading a beautiful story by thomas mann and im listening to cat power... this is important, i think. the sense of being set apart and not belonging, of being known and observed. i have always felt a lack of direction. i do not pretend to be the only one. i know everyone must feel this, but being only me, i can only explain what it means to me. lately i have been thinking more about direction and what i am going to do with my life, etc. i am satisfied with not knowing... i hate that that question presupposes that i am not doing anything now. i am satisfied with knowing that i am doing something now and by my nature, i do not see myself ever stopping. i do not particularly want any more direction than this. its so hard to go into the city, cos you wanna say "hey, i love you" to everybody. my ideal life will be me forever experiencing and falling in love. in love with seasons, places, people, anything. trying to be someone that strangers can fall in love with. trying to figure out what i want to do, and most of the time, i think that i wont do much. at least in the typical sense. i will dream a lot and think a lot and notice a lot of things. but i am deathly afraid that i won't have the time or means to taste it all. cos the music is boring me to death. and maybe it is a sort of fate... i think my father realizes it. i think it bothers him. i think i have mentioned my father too much as of late. i think he knew... my thinking, my way of being... is difficult for him. it doesn't make sense to him a lot because he sees so much potential in me. i always had difficulty explaining to him my way of being. how just being, seems to always be enough for me. for some go of necessity astray, because for them there is no such thing as a right path. i only hope that i can be happy like this. and i think if i am given the space and freedom to pursue... being, then i will be.

(edit: yes, i am self-absorbed at times. im sorry if this post comes off wrong... i just needed to get stuff out.)