the big fight
im starting to think that im not happy. not in a "i had a bad day" sort of way. worse than that. im starting to think that all the things that have been bothering me... school, loneliness, summer nostalgia... well, its not any of those things. i think im throwing myself at fixing these tangible problems. throwing myself into school. forgetting about the loneliness. torturing myself about the summer. but im not sure this is right. i think im sad. i think i want to go home. i think im craving family. im not feeling independent. i want to be in familiar space. i cant believe i still have 2 more months until christmas break. im not sure how im going to handle it. things will get better. its just a phase. just a phase.

the newness of this place is wearing off. the happiness that comes with new things is fading. and i just need comfort.

i cant figure out why i miss the summer so much. all i did was work towards the end. but work is such a comfort. money. no time to sit and wallow in thoughts. work is immediate and fulfilling.

i once posted about how my life can be divided into periods based on my jobs. and my boston pizza period... is shining right now. and it looks so good from here. and i want back in. back in with those people, with that life. i want to work and bartend and make money. i want those friendships back. i torture myself by keeping in touch with these people. by thinking about them. by thinking about him. when does the new period start? when will i stop living in the past?

i need comfort. i need home. i just want out. it hurts so much.