i'm on
she speaks in sorry sentences/miraculous repentances

it struck me today that perhaps i am only interested in artsy people because i am interested in being a muse. i want to see what emotions i can evoke from other people. i want to be with someone that loves me and that i inspire. i want to see myself represented in their art. i want to see their perspective. i want a lot of things. i think i just would like some concrete evidence of my influence of others. does that make any sense? i would just like to know what affect my being has on others, if any. write about me. paint me. let me see myself through your eyes. hell, rip out your eyes and paste them to my mirror. let me use your creativity to satisfy my own selfish needs.

"you know when you see someone... and you get that feeling... you know the one i'm talking about. you feel nauseous, nervous, and complete all at once. somehow that person has found a way into your system and their electricity just jolts you around and around. and you know. but then, there's a time when the plug gets pulled. when you look at that person and somehow feel nothing. whatever was there, seems to have disappeared gradually then quite suddenly. that's my ultimatum. when i walk off the plane and see her... if i get that jolt... then i'll know she's still a part of me. but if i don't... then i'll know what i have to do."

"that seems unfair."

"i know."