i think i may have shut off my emotions
is that possible? i am sitting here reading blogs that are wonderfully written and interesting... and i can remember that i used to blog about things that meant more than how my day went. but all i can do now is draw blanks. the only thing i can attribute this to is the changes. the way that since june started... i have been bustling from one house to another... one suburb to a city to another... the missing that has been going on... the family turmoil... the stress... the strange happenings of the past couple of months... have required me to turn off my emotions to a point. i am easily affected by situations around me and am often unable to deal with my emotions. i turn them off by sleeping and by drinking and by not listening to any sort of music that makes me feel anything at all. this last one... the lack of music in my life as of late... is probably a big cause of my lack of inspiration. i won't turn on the music that i love because it is the music that will reach down and force me to feel.

i'm so afraid to feel because i am sure that all i will feel is sad. not that i am only sad... just that there are a lot of feelings that i am refusing to deal with. a lot of feelings that i didn't deal with this summer. emotional backlog, i guess. i should really get to cleaning that up.