my first
when people talk about their first relationship being the pattern for the rest of the relationships in their lives, it makes me laugh. my first relationship was in kindergarten. his name was justin and he used to get his older brothers to make me paper flowers. i think about justin probably more than i should. it was a funny thing. i was a funny girl. i hated justin more than ive ever hated anyone. i hated his love letters and the way he chased me around our playhouse. i hated that we were always the mom and dad in our playgames. i hated that i was mary and he was joseph in our class play. i hated that his mom was friends with my mom. but, for some reason, i still have each love letter he wrote me. i have the flowers he made. for the life of me i cant remember why i kept them then. but i know why i keep them now. i like the memory. i like the flowers. i like the letters. i miss justin.

this relationship puzzles me more than a lot of more intriguing things. i wonder why he was so forward... why he gave me flowers instead of throwing dirt at me like all the other boys did to the girls they liked. i wonder why his brothers made flowers for him to give to me. i wonder why i took so much care to keep the flowers intact. i wonder if i blushed. i wonder if i loved him. in the way only a kindergartner can. its one of those things i wish i could remember better. did i hate him? or just the teasing? perhaps if it was grade 7 things would have been different. poor justin. maybe he just came into my life a little before i was ready.

and yes, i know how silly i sound. but i dont care, dammit. this relationship interests me more than any other one probably will. lol. hear that justin? im not sure what you wanted from me then, but you sure get something from me now.