volatile.
as my roomie stirred her pot of soup, i ranted and raved about my latest stupid move (with the boy) in what seems like a never-ending loop of stupid moves. really now... you'd think i'd learn to just keep some things in the vault. to know how to play it cool... how to be aloof. but you know what... i have no vault goddammit. i can't keep shut about anything. if i am feeling ANYTHING... anything at all... you will probably find out o... within 20 minutes or less. even if i don't want to talk about it... its going to slip out. even if i am in no mood for "a talk"... its going to slip out. hell... it might even come out as yelling... as a big deal. and i might just be left standing there alongside you... both of us wondering what the hell just happened. dating me is like running through a mine field. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. what? you don't get it... well neither do i, ok. i just know that i cannot keep anything in. i am always reminded of that scene in eternal sunshine when kate winslet complains to jim carrey that she is like an open book. no, i am not kate winslet in that movie. but goddammit sometimes i feel like her in that scene... i empathize with her frustration. except i am less like a book sitting on a shelf... and more like a pigeon that flies into your head. i am not to be ignored.

the kitchen scene ends with me yelling about how damn vulnerable i am. how vulnerable i let myself get. how i hate it. the roomie laughed... and disagreed... "you're not vulnerable, you're volatile."

so i love him. yup. well.

wild pack of family dogs.
sometimes i forget those memories. when people ask me about you... ask me what went wrong. why i feel the way i do about the relationship we have. i forget the memories then... i'm forgetting them when i am able to sum things up in adult talk... "we're just two very different people."

and then sometimes... when i'm lying alone in my bed... unexpectedly... the child me, she remembers. and i start to cry. i remember it all. the feelings that used to consume our house. the fights. the yelling. every word you repeated. the way i felt. the way it hurt. how unfair it all seemed. running up to my room. running to the car. running for the phone. running for a pen. that time it seemed you could have hit me. i'm sure you wanted me to think that you could have. all the times i fell down. the times i gave up. the times i slinked upstairs... hearing your yelling anyways. how i learned to pretend not to care. how i told myself not to care. i would curl up in front of my mirror... watch the tears... and scold myself.

it usually feels like a lifetime ago. until nights like tonight.

i know you miss the way i saw you.
i have come to blogger many times over the past weeks. and i've clicked that little "create" link... and i've typed some words... only to erase them. i tried to do a new years post. i tried to make some resolutions. i tried to create goddammit. i really did. but i'm continually stumped. and that "create" link is taunting me... laughing at me. daring me. just try it bitch.

i've been selfish in many ways lately. i've been moody and sick. i've reunited with the boy only to send him off to new york five days later. i'm taking a film class. i have a crush on a boy in my philosophy class. i want to fuck my philosophy professor. he plays the trumpet. i can't stay away from musicians. the weather here has been confusing. this year has insisted on being moody already. and its affecting me.

all the questions that i used to pretend to smugly know the answers to... are slowly slipping from my grasp. i am doubting it all. wondering if my feelings... are altogether more about me... and actually have little to do with who they are supposedly directed at. i'm wondering if i shouldn't be alone. i exhaust so much energy missing him... and for what? what does he actually give me? security? he makes me feel important (well, sometimes). sometimes these reasons... all seem to be more about my shortcomings than about him as a person. does that make any sense? hmmm... like he is not a positive... he's simply a barrier to the negatives. and i'm not sure this is right. shouldn't i work through all these negatives on my own. instead of just using cheap, temporary barriers.

i have been consumed with a certain idea lately. i am frustrated by the way that certain interactions with certain people are limiting. i am entirely enraged by the way that certain people treat me... and the way that this treatment molds me into the person they see me as. the way certain friends/family members have these notions about you... maybe not necessarily false notions, but not complete or even completely true ones. yet... you can't escape these limited conceptions of you... because the way they treat you, literally MAKES you into the person they see. like when someone talks to you like a child, you behave like one.

well. this is what happens when you don't post in a while. your post takes on the characteristics of a monster. no one idea reaches a unified expression... instead i present you with my monster baby... it sat in the womb too long and grew five heads.