i know you miss the way i saw you.
i have come to blogger many times over the past weeks. and i've clicked that little "create" link... and i've typed some words... only to erase them. i tried to do a new years post. i tried to make some resolutions. i tried to create goddammit. i really did. but i'm continually stumped. and that "create" link is taunting me... laughing at me. daring me. just try it bitch.
i've been selfish in many ways lately. i've been moody and sick. i've reunited with the boy only to send him off to new york five days later. i'm taking a film class. i have a crush on a boy in my philosophy class. i want to fuck my philosophy professor. he plays the trumpet. i can't stay away from musicians. the weather here has been confusing. this year has insisted on being moody already. and its affecting me.
all the questions that i used to pretend to smugly know the answers to... are slowly slipping from my grasp. i am doubting it all. wondering if my feelings... are altogether more about me... and actually have little to do with who they are supposedly directed at. i'm wondering if i shouldn't be alone. i exhaust so much energy missing him... and for what? what does he actually give me? security? he makes me feel important (well, sometimes). sometimes these reasons... all seem to be more about my shortcomings than about him as a person. does that make any sense? hmmm... like he is not a positive... he's simply a barrier to the negatives. and i'm not sure this is right. shouldn't i work through all these negatives on my own. instead of just using cheap, temporary barriers.
i have been consumed with a certain idea lately. i am frustrated by the way that certain interactions with certain people are limiting. i am entirely enraged by the way that certain people treat me... and the way that this treatment molds me into the person they see me as. the way certain friends/family members have these notions about you... maybe not necessarily false notions, but not complete or even completely true ones. yet... you can't escape these limited conceptions of you... because the way they treat you, literally MAKES you into the person they see. like when someone talks to you like a child, you behave like one.
well. this is what happens when you don't post in a while. your post takes on the characteristics of a monster. no one idea reaches a unified expression... instead i present you with my monster baby... it sat in the womb too long and grew five heads.
i have come to blogger many times over the past weeks. and i've clicked that little "create" link... and i've typed some words... only to erase them. i tried to do a new years post. i tried to make some resolutions. i tried to create goddammit. i really did. but i'm continually stumped. and that "create" link is taunting me... laughing at me. daring me. just try it bitch.
i've been selfish in many ways lately. i've been moody and sick. i've reunited with the boy only to send him off to new york five days later. i'm taking a film class. i have a crush on a boy in my philosophy class. i want to fuck my philosophy professor. he plays the trumpet. i can't stay away from musicians. the weather here has been confusing. this year has insisted on being moody already. and its affecting me.
all the questions that i used to pretend to smugly know the answers to... are slowly slipping from my grasp. i am doubting it all. wondering if my feelings... are altogether more about me... and actually have little to do with who they are supposedly directed at. i'm wondering if i shouldn't be alone. i exhaust so much energy missing him... and for what? what does he actually give me? security? he makes me feel important (well, sometimes). sometimes these reasons... all seem to be more about my shortcomings than about him as a person. does that make any sense? hmmm... like he is not a positive... he's simply a barrier to the negatives. and i'm not sure this is right. shouldn't i work through all these negatives on my own. instead of just using cheap, temporary barriers.
i have been consumed with a certain idea lately. i am frustrated by the way that certain interactions with certain people are limiting. i am entirely enraged by the way that certain people treat me... and the way that this treatment molds me into the person they see me as. the way certain friends/family members have these notions about you... maybe not necessarily false notions, but not complete or even completely true ones. yet... you can't escape these limited conceptions of you... because the way they treat you, literally MAKES you into the person they see. like when someone talks to you like a child, you behave like one.
well. this is what happens when you don't post in a while. your post takes on the characteristics of a monster. no one idea reaches a unified expression... instead i present you with my monster baby... it sat in the womb too long and grew five heads.
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