volatile.
as my roomie stirred her pot of soup, i ranted and raved about my latest stupid move (with the boy) in what seems like a never-ending loop of stupid moves. really now... you'd think i'd learn to just keep some things in the vault. to know how to play it cool... how to be aloof. but you know what... i have no vault goddammit. i can't keep shut about anything. if i am feeling ANYTHING... anything at all... you will probably find out o... within 20 minutes or less. even if i don't want to talk about it... its going to slip out. even if i am in no mood for "a talk"... its going to slip out. hell... it might even come out as yelling... as a big deal. and i might just be left standing there alongside you... both of us wondering what the hell just happened. dating me is like running through a mine field. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. what? you don't get it... well neither do i, ok. i just know that i cannot keep anything in. i am always reminded of that scene in eternal sunshine when kate winslet complains to jim carrey that she is like an open book. no, i am not kate winslet in that movie. but goddammit sometimes i feel like her in that scene... i empathize with her frustration. except i am less like a book sitting on a shelf... and more like a pigeon that flies into your head. i am not to be ignored.

the kitchen scene ends with me yelling about how damn vulnerable i am. how vulnerable i let myself get. how i hate it. the roomie laughed... and disagreed... "you're not vulnerable, you're volatile."

so i love him. yup. well.