girl, there is you and then there is your body
what it means to be a girl. (this is blunt for me... no flowery language)
- i wake up and look at myself in the mirror

- i shower and shave and each time i shave i somehow feel like i shouldn't have to. but am too chicken. too cool.

- i put on make-up and feel good. then this idea makes me feel bad.

- i put on fun jewellry and that always makes me feel good. i love the way girls get to adorn themselves in a way that guys just aren't culturally allowed to.

- somedays i get hollered at... in a sick way, this makes me feel good. this makes me feel bad about myself. but the times the hollers make me angry... volatile... these times i feel good about my reaction. i feel powerful. actually, either way... i feel powerful.

- i look at other girls a lot. i try to figure out how to imitate them. or how to avoid looking like them (so what, im horrible).

- i get to feel grossed out by my period. i get to learn that it is a gross thing from peers... i get to perpetuate these feelings by voicing the same sentiments with groups of people. this makes me feel bad. my vagina gets sad. its sad that something so biologically natural about my body grosses me... and everyone else out. i feel like i gross people out.

- i get to try and figure boys out. i get to be wrong most of the time.

- i get to listen to the things boys say about the other girls. i get to learn how easy it is for a boy to place a girl in a certain category. i get to wondering what they think about me. i feel happy when they say mean things about other girls... because they are not saying these things about me. this makes me feel bad too.

- i sit in rooms where people analyze the bodies and faces of celebrities. her nose, her hips, her breasts... and each time they name a body part i place a chunk of myself up to scrutiny in comparison with said celebrity. when i do not measure up... i feel bad. when i do measure up... i feel good.

- i fall in love with female cultural stereotypes... the bitch who doesn't care. the girl next door. the raging lesbian feminist. the mod girl. the hippie girl. the femme fatale. the mysterious vixen. i want to be one of them. i want to be all of them. i want a category... i want a stereotype.

- i sometimes try to retort to something sexist. i always sound silly. so most of the time i just don't respond.

- when i complain about something... and then "he" (the generic he that teases and pokes fun with sexual compliments) says "you like it." he's right, i do. i hate that i like it. but i hate even more that "he" knows it.

- i love myself and make myself sick at the same time. my days are filled with conflicting emotions.

but im sure you knew most of that already.