this semester
first university semester is done. it feels good to say that. it went by really fast. and i know everyone says that about everything... but i mean it. im going to try to recreate the blur... for remembrance's sake.

arriving. freaking out about the jail cell of a room. stressing like all hell. first night. frosh. piss ass drunk at 3 in the afternoon. free beer. football. frisbee. screaming. dancing. whoosh. gay mark. lex and jess. rafting. MCV. dan. lies. cafeteria slowly winning me over. the fat piling on. classes. first day entering the campus. feeling at home with the rest of the crowd. realizing this was home. decorating. essays. fem theory professor. the stranger smile in shatner. coffee with every meal. skirts. hair cut. deciding to keep my hair short for a while. fall. the scary hospital view. the moon from my window. kira and feeling like we've known each other longer than we have. going to the gym. "you look like julianna moore." katums, who makes rez feel like home. late night movies. popcorn and any food we can scrounge up. sex and the city. the oc. queer eye for the straight guy. the shins. sahara hotnights. joel plaskett. monday night trivial pursuit. frappe. the mysterious bumps from the room above. lonely nights. early dinners. naps galore. halloween. mushrooms and old school. shisha. first strip club experience. wednesday night wine. finding someone on my floor who worked at scarborough town centre. (i think this list could go on forever) staying close with the people i came with. getting closer even. jeanette's mints. winter oreos from jess. steven and french. conor and his sleaveless shirts. "i love dawson leary."

where am i going with this?
maybe i just want to say that this semester was a growing experience. it was realizing something that i had wanted for awhile. it was taking the next step. it was feeling real independence, and feeling comfortable with it. it feels good. feels like i'm accomplishing something. something i want to do. not because its going to get me somewhere. but because it IS somewhere.

kids are great accessories
so i don't get why people are all obsessed with celebrity quirks. so what if so and so needs her dressing room to be all white with pink poka dots and fresh daisies? if i was a fucking celebrity i would be as quirky as i wanted. i'd get down with my bad quirky ass. if you have people that WILL provide you with a circus elephant and dancing midgets... then fucking give 'er. we should all be so lucky. let's not wonder about quirks... let's wonder why the rest of hollywood settles with plain dressing rooms and cheap wine.

oh tequila

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i am:
- awake when i want to be asleep
- done this semester on wednesday
- thinking about art projects to pursue... because i have stopped creating, and i hate that. (how cheesy did that sound?)
- wanting to use the line, "i want to fuck him/her so bad i can't see straight"
- excited for brekkie. i know, that's boring. but it's times like these, when i can't sleep and food is 8 hours away... that i really start craving greasy cafeteria brekkie and the weak coffee that comes with it
- listening to broken social scene - lover's spit
- wondering how the people above me have time to party smack in the middle of exams... on a sunday night, no less
- looking out my window and only seeing white

you know it's time that we grow old and do some shit

all i want is sleep
i'm not able to study
someone pick me up

anthems for a seventeen year old girl
park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me

take it in
everything is gone
dead leaves trapped beneath the ice
yet i remain here

i must be fine cos my heart's still beating
i do not think i can take another week of this... never mind another week and a half. i am going insane. everyone is study crazy sick MAH. this has been the most boring day of my life. we are all cooped up in here with the only escapes being the library and the gym. any other break seems unjustifiable. that is until friday. o lord, friday could not come soon enough. it also seems that everyone has simultaneously run out of money. its like parents know. they plan that we all run out of money during exam time so there is no way we can go out and have fun. o parents. always so sneaky.
everyone needs to blog about 2390487324 more times so that when i check your blogs 32432 times a day, there will at least be something there for me to read. HOLY SHIT I WANT TO CLAW MY EYES OUT. just so i will have something to do... ie. crawl around my room searching for my eyes and try not to bleed to death.
you may be wondering... sam, why don't you study or something... and here is my response... THERE is NO WAY i can study for a whole day straight. actually, i am seriously surprised... given a whole day, i can only study for a small portion of it. this frees up a hell of a lot of time considering that everyone else seems to go on 10 hour study binges. so i think i might start killing people. for something to do.
i have been feeling a violent streak coming on... who wants to go on a killing spreeeeee? let's kill all the people at the library. put them out of their misery. and then pass our exams with flying colours, just to spite them. mwhahaha.

i'll do such things to ease your pain
(haiku for the restless)

i tucked myself in
right then when you needed me
hush sleep drift away

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Somehow the way you look at me always makes me feel dirty. It doesn't just make me want to have a hot shower, it makes me want to climb out of my skin and throw it in the laundry bin with my dirty undies. You look at me with your eyes that are timed perfectly with the rest of your facial features. Every one of your looks seems disgustingly rehearsed. And I feel worse off knowing that to you, I am just another set of limbs upon which you stare.

an impromptu list of things i would like to be
1. a tambourine player in a really good band. but instead of all the reviewers trashing me for being nothing but a measly tambourine player, they would applaud my ability to prance around the stage and be silly.

2. a professional traveler. nuff said.

3. an owner of a really pretty concert venue. specifically i think i would like to own the cabaret du plateau in montreal. yes. this is what i want.

4. one of those people that brew their own beer... you know... cos its fun.

5. sometimes i want to be a smoker. im not sure why. one more way to trash my body and earn street cred. because no matter what anyone tells you, it IS cool to smoke.

6. a wino. because everyone loves winos. and winos always seem to be so happy. when they have wine, that is. also goes along with the one more way to trash my body deal...

7. a muse. what's with this decidedly female trait of needing to be watched/admired/looked at... i hate it. but i cannot get away from this romantic idea of being the reason for some piece of art/poetry/song/other person's being. ok, maybe the reason for another person's being is going a bit too far. yes, yes it is.

8. inaccessible to boys. not sure what this means. it just came out, alright?

9. someone who had some concrete goals. instead of a sort of kind of feel about what kind of emotions she wanted to experience. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF GOAL IN LIFE IS THAT?!

10. someone who has pizza. CHECK. delivery just came. this list will probably continue later...

if you ever get a chance to see broken social scene, i recommend you take that chance. take it and run with it. to a far away land where big white dogs can fly. and horses die in the mud and everyone cries.

i am insane today. self-proclaimed.

a sad, sad new addiction

random pieces of poop
- really trying to like the show the oc. jeanette raves about it and my floormate is obsessed with it... will try again to like it tonight
- going to the broken social scene concert friday night! woo! found people to go with
- was so sick today that i missed the last day of classes... i literally lay in bed ALL day... my head hurt so much... then we had our big holiday dinner and i've felt a lot better since that
- my secret santa bought me a litre of wine. o joy.
- only at mcgill does our holiday dinner include wine and alcoholic egg nog. its like they want us to flunk out of school and become alcoholics. mcgill is the devil. all tempting and shit. lol
- i get to go home on the 18th... i realize that this is a lot later than most people, but its still really soon
- my long list of essays and things to do... is slowly getting cut down... this is a good thing.
- i have managed to write a ten page paper without a thesis. i am so fucking talented... i cant even stand myself. im just too much. geeze louise.

haiku for the (whiny) sick
snotty runny nose
my head's all stuffy and gross
i can't get to sleep