she's well aware
i know i should be posting about an amazing roadtrip and visit... but im not in the mood right now. maybe tomorrow will be more conducive for that kind of writing.

right now, i feel rather shitty. i should be getting my period tomorrow or the next day. and im not sure if this is partially to blame. well, not to blame... but it may be why i am feeling off. i feel on the brink of tears... but they wont come. theres no real reason to be upset. i just feel crappy. i dont want to do my homework that is due tomorrow. i dont want to go socialize. i dont want to sleep yet.

- i wish i didnt take these birth control pills. they are starting to make me feel too regulated. too... controlled. science. men. white suits. im dramatic and a feminist. deal with it.
- i wish i could see the moon
- i wish my room wasnt so bloody hot
- i also wish it wasnt so fucking messy
- i wish i had some chocolate
- i dont want to be at school anymore. spring break seems so far. there is so much to do between now and then. and i dont want to do any of it.
- i am lacking in motivation and self-esteem
- i am feeling like perhaps i have no idea what i want to major in... what i want to do. maybe i never felt like a writer. maybe i forced this idea into my head that i wanted to write. maybe thats not what i want to do.
- maybe i dont want to be an intellectual. maybe i want to learn a trade or something. and do. instead of play this intellectual game. who knows what. who knows more. who can write better. who can quote. who is cooler. and why does it matter anyways? where does that leave me when i find myself surrounded by people who beat me at anything. in the game that doesnt count. the game that shouldnt be a game. but i cant get the fucking scoreboard out of my head.
- the tears come

this boy is exhausted.