memories
after having spent a great deal of time on a couple of people's websites... reading about and viewing pieces of their well documented lives and families and memories... i have been swimming amongst a few thoughts.
one. i am turning twenty in less than a month. i have just begun to realize what kind of meaning this has for me. i know, age is irrelevant and manmade blah blah blah and based on time, my nemesis. BUT, because we live in a world of manmade and time... turning 20 has some sort of ingrained meaning to me. i am supposed to be cool by now. lol. i am supposed to be writing and making art... and well, i dont exactly know. but i know that it feels like im not doing "this." but then, other days it does. maybe what im trying to say is... this age jump is the first one that i dont really want to make. because it seems like the rest of the years might just fall into place too quickly after this one.
memories. "strange how when you're young you have no memories. then one day you wake up and, boom, memories overpower all else in your life, forever making the present moment seem sad and unable to compete with a glorious past that now has a life of its own." (polaroids from the dead - douglas coupland) this... this makes me incredibly sad.
babies. there was a young woman the other day... she had dreaded hair, tattoos, piercings, big chunky boots... and a rounded stomach with a growing child inside. in the pictures of a random internet person's life... there were a couple of a man throwing his baby up in the air with the fall leaves in the background... and both these images... made me smile. not a maternal instinct smile by any means. but, i think i am starting to see why people decide to procreate... its just a start, but still. also, i will forever be in awe of how awesome pregnant women are.
sometimes i think i should have been born a man. because i sometimes think i see women through the eyes of someone who is not a woman... if that makes any sense. i look at women as if they are completely different from myself. and maybe, as i explore gender more and more, there is no commonality among women. but i hope i don't always feel like im an outsider looking in. i see so much beauty and awesomeness on the inside... and so i keep standing on my tiptoes and peaking over the ledge. hoping someone will invite me inside.
in the same coupland book i quoted above, coupland describes a character looking at himself in the mirror and seeing a past in his face. and i think i want that... i want a past... i think it is the way people wear their pasts that intrigues me. this is something i am just starting to realize. i think this ties in with my fascination with women.
well, my brain hurts from all this thinking... im going to lie down and hopefully drift off... how i love the drifting sleep.
after having spent a great deal of time on a couple of people's websites... reading about and viewing pieces of their well documented lives and families and memories... i have been swimming amongst a few thoughts.
one. i am turning twenty in less than a month. i have just begun to realize what kind of meaning this has for me. i know, age is irrelevant and manmade blah blah blah and based on time, my nemesis. BUT, because we live in a world of manmade and time... turning 20 has some sort of ingrained meaning to me. i am supposed to be cool by now. lol. i am supposed to be writing and making art... and well, i dont exactly know. but i know that it feels like im not doing "this." but then, other days it does. maybe what im trying to say is... this age jump is the first one that i dont really want to make. because it seems like the rest of the years might just fall into place too quickly after this one.
memories. "strange how when you're young you have no memories. then one day you wake up and, boom, memories overpower all else in your life, forever making the present moment seem sad and unable to compete with a glorious past that now has a life of its own." (polaroids from the dead - douglas coupland) this... this makes me incredibly sad.
babies. there was a young woman the other day... she had dreaded hair, tattoos, piercings, big chunky boots... and a rounded stomach with a growing child inside. in the pictures of a random internet person's life... there were a couple of a man throwing his baby up in the air with the fall leaves in the background... and both these images... made me smile. not a maternal instinct smile by any means. but, i think i am starting to see why people decide to procreate... its just a start, but still. also, i will forever be in awe of how awesome pregnant women are.
sometimes i think i should have been born a man. because i sometimes think i see women through the eyes of someone who is not a woman... if that makes any sense. i look at women as if they are completely different from myself. and maybe, as i explore gender more and more, there is no commonality among women. but i hope i don't always feel like im an outsider looking in. i see so much beauty and awesomeness on the inside... and so i keep standing on my tiptoes and peaking over the ledge. hoping someone will invite me inside.
in the same coupland book i quoted above, coupland describes a character looking at himself in the mirror and seeing a past in his face. and i think i want that... i want a past... i think it is the way people wear their pasts that intrigues me. this is something i am just starting to realize. i think this ties in with my fascination with women.
well, my brain hurts from all this thinking... im going to lie down and hopefully drift off... how i love the drifting sleep.
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