vulpine - like a fox
and i am getting used to the lazy days. the soap operas. the pyjamas. the coffee. and the crocheting. i actually feel like i am truly on holiday. i keep forgetting about this one last exam. but let's not think about that right now, ok?

i will never understand my family. and if i can never understand my family... will i ever understand myself? i am such a product of them. literally and otherwise... but sometimes i can barely figure out how i came out of them. i don't see it. i don't know where these parts of me formed. how i could have come from that soil. i wonder if most of my life has been spent rejecting that soil. i did spend a lot of time rejecting the soil. i am still unsure if i am ready to embrace it. as the place where my roots lie. no matter how hard i strain in a different direction... my roots will always always be there. its a strange thing to come to terms with. i always figured i could uproot. i thought i had uprooted. but maybe its not that easy. maybe i should just give up this metaphor and spare you.

i'm going home soon. and i'm starting to get that uneasy feeling. i build home up... and then i get back. and the fights start again. the straining starts. the stress levels increase. i know that in some sense, they're happier when i'm here. there's less rustling. less arguments. less struggle. they don't have to worry about controlling me. they can let go when i'm here. and i don't have to worry about pushing them when i'm here. but when i go back... we play the same game... pull, push... pull, push... i'm getting tired of my role there. very very tired. i figure they should be tired too. but the pulling doesn't stop. and so i have to continue pushing.