i don't want to give up the fight.
sometimes i think i'm two people in one body. fighting it out for control and terrain. half of me always feels like cuddling up in blankets upon blankets with something sinful to eat and someone nice to hold me. the other half always feels like stealing a car and driving off with no destination all by myself.

i crave comfort and i crave romance. i want clarity but i also want confusion.

sometimes i hate being alone. and other times i just can't stand when i am unable to be alone.

i am scared of commitment. maybe scared is the wrong word. maybe its always been the wrong word. maybe i don't want commitment. not in the marriage kind of way. not yet. not now. hearing how she is moving in with her boyfriend... sharing a bedroom... just made me realize how that is so not something i am ready for/want anytime soon. the fact that i was so shocked... when really, we're 21. this is a normal thing to be doing i guess. but for me... its just not normal. i am open to having someone change my mind though.

i guess i really am JUST getting used to being alone. alone in the real sense. alone in the... i don't look at everyone like a potential anything anymore. when we first broke up, i would look at every attractive stranger as a possible new mate. i don't do that anymore. i am not actively looking around for the next person to connect with. i am finally... finally... just "be"ing. and this is really something... no matter how much i sometimes want someone along for the ride... i really need this time. again... i am open to have my mind changed... but i really don't need anything serious right now. i am finally forgetting what its like to be in something serious. i am finally remembering.