"you know what's weird? no matter what happens to you on any given day... at night, your heart just keeps on beating... as if nothing happened at all."

gawd... who says that? *swoon*

looks just like the sun... looks just like it...

NYC
i was at the gym the other day... reading an old issue of cosmo. i think ashlee simpson was on the cover. its fun reading about the uglier younger sisters of showbiz stars. you know what is extra funny? ashlee simpson describing the troubles she had getting a record deal because she wanted to produce "indie" music. i almost laughed up a lung. anyways, i'm skimming through the magazine hoping i can almost get off the damn eliptical of death... when i decide to read my horoscope and figure out whether it came true. so my horoscope was something along the lines of "around the 21st, don't mistake a great sexual connection for something more." then i flipped to see what month the magazine was... and well... yes... of course... it was february.

i had seven faces, thought i knew which one to wear
i'm sick of spending these lonely nights, training myself not to care

i looked at my feet today and thought they were my mom's.
i spent most of the day on our roof with lovely company and a gorgeous sun. it was amazing. then i came in and surveyed last night's mess and this morning's breakfast dishes... so i got inspired to clean. (there is a point to this i promise. its nnot just a play-by-play of my day.) so there i am. doing dishes in my undies. listening to the strokes. hearing kira getting ready to go to the library and laughing at jeanette, who was looking up sushi recipes. the window was open and a nice little breeze made its way in. and i'm scrubbing the counter... and this is the moment. the moment that i finally let myself think about what its going to be like to leave. and i am overwhelmed with... well... you know the feeling when you start to miss something before its actually gone. anticipated missage. sigh. its not just the city... or my loverly roomies... its the way of life i enjoy right now. its all going to change in 2 weeks. and by god i am going to miss these 3 girls.

just yesterday i was walking on the moon with your stalker
and we talked about love and all the battles we'd won

- architecture in helsinki

my current favourite
and if you don't love me,
let me go...
and i am a writer, writer of fictions
i am the heart that you call home
and i've written pages upon pages
trying to rid you from my bones.
- the deceberists, the engine driver

i love that verse. except... i have to say... "i am the heart that you call home" always sort of makes me cringe. i'm not such a fan of the heart as a home metaphor... never have been, never will be. its too cheese.

so the final countdown has begun. 3 more days of class... 1 more paper... 3 exams. less than two weeks until the new york city roadtrip.

i've been filling my days with outdoor jogs, quality time on my balcony, early mornings, coffee shops, movie nights, really unhealthy dinners (i.e. chips, ice cream, cake), studying, and some stressing. i love the feeling of winding down... of muscles untensing... of "lasts"... last papers, last classes... i'm just not entirely sure i'm ready to leave.

p.s. i keep thinking someone is standing over me.

like eating glass.
so i'm at school in one of the computer labs "working." right. really, i am trying ever so hard to not focus on the noise of dozens of people frantically typing. i swear that absolutely everyone in this room just got a magical inspiration as the keyboard noise drastically increased and began to sound more like machine guns. so fucking noisy i had to blog about it. i think i'm actually going insane. is anyone else noticing how loud it is in here? damn keyboards...

make it stop.
so i can feel the pms blues coming on... i can feel them... but i just don't know how to hold them off. not now hormones, NOT NOW. i have too much to worry about... too much on my plate as it is. go away goddammit.

stress makes me horny. so horny. is that weird?

i think its kind of like that scene in high fidelity. that scene that always confused me when i was younger... but now, makes too much sense. you know the one. after her dad's funeral where the two of them are in the car... and she asks him to sleep with her... just so she can feel something different... something besides sadness. and you know what? a fuck for the sake of feeling something different... for feeling something besides stress... is as good a reason as anything i think. i'm starting to forget what it feels like to not be stressed. what is normal again?

besides, sex is a great stress reliever, no?

look at me. trying to rationalize my horniness.

red wine and sleeping pills,
help me get back to your arms.
those lyrics will forever belong to you. you lucky duck.

o i'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
stand here until i fill all your heart's desires

i wonder if i'll ever become the person i imagine. and even if i felt like that person... would others see me as i want them to? its so frustrating to have to give up that power... to accept that you are going to see me in a certain way... a way that maybe i can't completely control. you're going to see me in relation to everyone else you know... everyone else you've ever known. you're going to see me in relation to yourself, in relation to your experiences... to your hopes and your failures. i can control my actions... i can control my appearance... but i can't control what these things mean to you.

...stand here beside me baby, watch the orange glow.

o take me back to the start
yup. listening to the same coldplay song that i was during my last post. the world is a circle. it all comes back again. i'm haunted by chris martin and the boys. i can't help it. coldplay and old weezer has been the soundtrack to my life lately. they're everywhere. the other day i was walking home and a car was blasting "yellow." what a song to blast in the middle of the day... and i looked over and it was two dudes. maybe that's not so strange. but it made me smile.

you know what else? i'm scared for the new weezer to come out. i'm scared that it will be shitty and i'll have to read all these articles trashing weezer and complaining about how there will never be another pinkerton. fucking right there will never be another pinkerton. besides, even if they came out with another pinkerton, all you'd say is, "so weezer is regressing and simply made another pinkerton." gawd. no one is ever happy with the bands they love to hate. i personally don't think weezer will ever be what they were. they had their niche in time... and what they were doing worked back then... no matter how good they are now... they will never be that weezer for us again.

all of us that loved to sit in our rooms with weezer blasting from our stereos... procrastinating our home work and hoping for love. all of us who sat in each other's basements and garages stoned and sad... all of us who got drunk and screamed the lyrics to "say it ain't so" at the top of our lungs. some of us who bought salvation army prom dresses, skipped school, went down to the edge early in the morning... just to win tickets to see them do a promo show. some part of me wonders if there could have been high school without weezer.