feeling... feeling?
so just being able to see this boy... this boy singing on stage... see him smile... made me feel a little tingle. you know that tingle. the crush tingle. the "i wonder what his lips feel like" tingle. the "i wonder what his laugh is like" tingle. the impossibly silly daydreamy crazy lovely tingle. i FELT it. and you know what? that tingle... that little bit of REAL crush... of "hey, i could like you... i'm attracted to you... in a way that makes me not just want to bang you"... that feeling was literally enough to wipe away months of confusion with the other boy. the other boy doesn't care about me in the right way. and in all honesty, i never cared for him in the right way either. so the tingle cleansed me. i want to find something real again. this singing boy reminded me that there are nice boys out there... boys that can make me tingle. i am happy to announce that i am not cold-hearted and dead inside. nice boys can be found! i can crush again!!!

and it feels good, let me tell you.

i'm extremely careful with the people i pick.
training myself not to care... "waiting for phone calls." replaying conversations in my head. wondering if i care. and then the sharp pang of him not calling. the passing thought that i don't matter. at least not really. the reality of having to figure out why i care. what i care about. it's nice to feel wanted. not so nice when that attention is sharply pulled away or denied. it's nice to be invited over... not so nice when it ONLY happens at 2 in the morning. what about the days you have off? am i not worth your REAL time? and if i can't even figure out if i actually LIKE you, why do i even care? why do i need to be wanted??? why do i react so badly when you pull away? when anyone pulls away?

i forget how to feel for someone. in that real way.

question.
why do i have such a problem letting myself do things that i want to do? even if they don't make any rational sense? why do i have to make excuses and apologies for my feelings and impulses and emotions and yes... desires? why does it always feel so degrading to DESIRE... to put myself in a vulnerable position?

internationally known.
fuck. i wish someone was awake. someone. anyone. to slap me in the face and stop me from doing what i should not do. what i don't want to do. i don't want to do it, right? i think. maybe. fuck. pms. lonely nights. fucking. that place reminds me of past flirtations. i thought i would be ok with it. but i think i also kind of hoped i would have run into him by now. that ghost. argh. i'm over this. right? i'm a fool. a silly girl. someone tell me not to email him. someone knock some sense into me. its so hard seeing people that i know see him. i guess i really haven't kicked that lonely feeling. fuck. pms. its just pms. right? why did i go back? the prospect of spending all my time there... and not seeing him... for some reason is really sounding shitty right about now. bah. i have bad feelings about a lonely, stressful, work-filled summer... man, i was so lonely closing tonight. and its lonely at 3 in the morning on a monday night... lonely. i will not email him. i will not. right?

hello and goodbye.
this will be the first and last post addressed to you. i'm not sure whether i need to do this... or whether i just want to. to keep a little tally of things. so here goes... (and i truly stand by my feelings that everyone... EVERYONE teaches you something... every little interaction has the potential to ripple into a huge change or realization within yourself)

verbal pukage... in hopes of coming to some understanding of the rollercoaster ride... i figure if i spew every little incohesive, incomplete thought that is replaying over in my mind, maybe something understandable will take shape.

i was never convinced you liked me. even when you told me. i was always unsure those looks were in my head... and so i became the one that questioned... that revealed insecurities... that wanted too much. i think you were far more realistic than i. i wanted to suck those 3 days together dry... i wanted to see you again... i wanted to sleep in your bed again. but you knew better. and now i thank you for that i think. i don't think we could have ever worked. i think i wanted you to like me... perhaps more than i actually liked you. i think i have a self-esteem problem. i didnt feel interesting enough around you... and i think that was perhaps both of our faults... i didn't answer your questions right... i don't think i was what you were expecting... and i dont think you were exactly what i wanted. you want a lot... and it was far too much pressure to prove myself to you in 3 days. expectations were too high... and perhaps if we had had more time... to get to know each other slowly... to creep into intimacy... maybe it would have worked out better. you were too much, too fast... and i sputtered up water a bit... like a drowning cat... and i don't think either of us knew how to deal with each other. so... i will remember our hands playing games and you telling me... "we'll think of each other."

i fall into people too easily. and i can't quite figure out whether it is a bad thing or not. but i know that i am through pretending to be strong and justifying my irrational feelings. no more covering up for the sake of ego. i will FEEL unabashadly... and everyone else is just going to have to get used to it. i am sick of feeling weak for feeling... i am sick of justifying why i suddenly can't stop thinking about someone that is practically a stranger... no more, you hear? i will be bare.

and you will see... it is not a weakness... it takes incredible strength to be naked.