i'm extremely careful with the people i pick.
training myself not to care... "waiting for phone calls." replaying conversations in my head. wondering if i care. and then the sharp pang of him not calling. the passing thought that i don't matter. at least not really. the reality of having to figure out why i care. what i care about. it's nice to feel wanted. not so nice when that attention is sharply pulled away or denied. it's nice to be invited over... not so nice when it ONLY happens at 2 in the morning. what about the days you have off? am i not worth your REAL time? and if i can't even figure out if i actually LIKE you, why do i even care? why do i need to be wanted??? why do i react so badly when you pull away? when anyone pulls away?

i forget how to feel for someone. in that real way.