tea, trucks, and tunes.
i feel like a lazy sack of shit. i worked almost every day in the summer... and any time off was spent trying to cram in the fun. and now i'm here sitting on my fat ass with absolutely nothing pressing to do. frankly, its beginning to drive me mad. i need school to start. lounging isn't as fun when its not procrastinating. it just isnt.

today's to-do list:
- finish my tea
- clean balcony door... its fucking dirty as all hell.
- go for a bike ride
- eat lunch
- eat dinner

see how empty my day is? ah... i'm spoiled. o right... i left out... go drinking tonight.

through that door.
i'm leaving again on saturday. bright and early. gonna pack up the van with bags and clothes and shoes. gonna rest my bare feet on the dashboard and watch the road fly by in the side mirror. i'll listen to cds and reflect. my mom and i will stop for junkfood somewhere and we'll spend a lot of time in comfortable silence together. i'll doze off knowing she'll get me there safely. she'll mispronounce "quebec" when we enter the province. my chest might feel a little tight when we pull out of the driveway at home... loosen as we start the long highway drive... and might just tighten again as we get closer to the apartment in montreal. things are getting stale again. and i'm ready for a change in scenery. i'm ready to go back.

beginnings always feel so promising. its nice to hold onto that feeling of hope and newness for as long as possible.

the lower i sink...
so i am the last person to take cosmo seriously... believe me. BUT... and of course there is a but... i honestly read something very insightful to me in the latest fall issue. in amongst the same 98 ways to please your man and 5 ways to feel fabulous naked... there was a column about how to reach your dreams or achieve your goals or some crap like that. anyways, the part that grabbed me had to do with envy. the writer of the piece encouraged making a list of all the qualities in those around you that make you envious of them. the recognition of why you envy certain people. not just envy... also just what makes you attracted to or feel respect for certain people too. basically, the point was to identify and realize that the things/qualities/attitudes in others that make you envy and/or respect them... are obviously things you wish you had for yourself. but more than that, things that are achievable. so if you can see through the green fog, you can work towards achieving the things you want.

and honestly, its kind of insightful to think about what you honestly envy about certain others... and realize that it usually has something to do with something you are not doing, but could. and thats key. for me at least. reminding myself that i am only envious because there are people that are doing things i would love to do... and CAN do... if i get off my lazy ass and stop being afraid. maybe envy just reminds us to stop being lazy... envy as motivator? as long as you act on it i guess.

(this was really poorly written and i apologize... the words aren't flowing nicely today.)

kissing as foreplay.
i just like that phrase. just wanted to share. there's something nice about that sentence. it sounds nice. it combines dirty with sweet. it makes your mind wander... you dirty fuck.

you never speak to me anyway.
i had a late night in the park a couple of hours ago. we lay out our wendy's spread and huddled under the lone light in the schoolyard. we laughed and woke up the people in bed... we screamed when we saw a mouse. we talked. you know. the talks that mean something. not just banter. the talks i live for. the ones that remind you that everyone is alive. that everyone has something to say... something to teach you. i was surprised when she casually mentioned she still had dreams even though i might be jaded myself. i laughed and denied being jaded. i told her i dream all the time. i told her i have huge dreams... huge ideas about what life has to offer me. about what i can make my life about. and maybe i don't have one big dream like her... but i have many little ones... little ones i realize every day. little feelings i chase... happiness i feel... we decided that as long as we can be happy with where we are... and we have a vague idea of how we can always be happy... AND feel that our current path is one that will bring more happiness... a lasting happiness... then we are on the right track. and i don't mean forever happy like the prozac way... i'm chasing a forever happy that doesn't mean i won't get sad and hurt and fucked up... i want a happiness that allows me to embrace it all. to always learn and never numb myself to the world, its intricacies, and... well, myself.

the bumpy road that keeps you guessing/screaming/squealing/laughing like a fool... the one you would never dare stray from.

no, i'm not jaded.

man hands
i think i am like a boy/only caring to fuck/we can talk later/i'm leaving soon/you don't always interest me with your jabber anyways/in fact, i'm quite bored of you as it is/please shut up.

loads of safety features.
stef, from work, once aptly stated that bad hair pretty much ruins your whole day.

tonight, i am having a good hair night. but no one is here to see it besides my computer screen and my cat. my hair is gorgeous right now. the perfect curly, jaggedy, hot mess. its actually making me kind of horny.

i hurt him tonight by leaving. i know it. and it made me feel bad on my way home. but i think my time with him is almost up. some people stay longer and some people i never wanted to let go of. some people let go of me way before i was ready to say goodbye... and secretly i still chase some people in my mind. and then there are the ones that haven't given me time yet... but i hope one day they will. but this one... its almost time to let go. one more thing will seal the deal. and now i must break into song... "just this one thing that got me trippin'..." hahahaha o amerie (sp?).

you look great.
i don't think most of us really stop and think about what we want. and i don't mean in that daydreamy way... like, i want to be on a beach with my personal masseuse sven. what i'm talking about is different. i don't think my generation [and yes i'm generalizing... and no, i don't actually know if "my" generation (can i even lay claim to something like this?) can have a spokesperson and really, if we can, i probably am not it but i digress] knows how to make goals. i don't meet many people who have direction... which in my opinion, is not a bad thing at all... actually, i like that attitude. i like meeting people who haven't locked themselves down into something they aren't passionate about anyways. BUT... what i don't like is an attitude that is VERY similar... people that have not thought about what they CAN have... what would make them happy. and how to get there. i think a lot of us feel bogged down with what seems inevitable... crappy careers and crappy family life that duplicates the insanity we grew up with. and i meet so many people who have no idea how to avoid that. people who assume things are going to be fucked no matter what... people who have given up.

i like the people who know what won't make them happy... and have a plan to stay away from that. people who have an idea of how they want to live... of what will make them want to wake up in the mornings... people that see all the shit they could fall into... but have enough balls to want something better.

you know what else really inspires me? people who shamelessly fall in love, get married, and have kids... and raise them with fucking guts. not sure its for me... but i like these people... who do the family thing... but make it cool. lol.

sometimes i feel like a little punk kid who still wants to fuck with the system.

new york new york
remind me to move there. please. oh how i love the new york.