fuck that.
i can't end that post like that. it is not clear enough.

i rolled off of him so fast and the tears came instantly. i rarely feel that attacked by words. but it was an attack on me. on him. on the relationship we had. and it was oh so wrong. it was bitter. it was unfair. maybe one day he will understand my past... but it became so clear that he can't right now. he has no fucking clue. and to think that he could comment on it like that... with such cockiness. such an assured tone. like he knew. like he had it all figured out. and he ripped it apart with that sentence. ripped so much. diluted so much intensity. summed it up in one sentence. one sentence that does not do anything justice.

i lied. its the second time he's done this. with the same person too. i told him the story. the story of how we got together... and the stumbles before we actually did get together. and his response...

"that must have felt pretty shitty to be second choice."



we get older. we accumulate. history. stories. pasts. we should never be naive enough in our interactions with others... naive enough to think we get it. get what a person has been through. we can hear them describe their pasts... but we can't figure it out. not so easily. its not all neatly packaged up like that. its not simply something to unwrap and own. you have to be gentle with each other. so much happened before we knew each other. so many kumas.

so much we will never understand about each other.
so much we will never access.
how do we deal with this?
how can we?