i'm sorry that all i talk about is moving out and finishing school
so i saw my place yesterday. and its not a shithole or a scary place. it is nice. it is perfect. it is exactly what i pictured it would be. but it did not feel like mine. it felt like i was visiting. it feels like i will just be visiting for the next few months. i'm timid when it comes to figuring out what to do with the space... simply because it doesn't seem like my space. it's jen and amanda's. i'm just stopping by. they already have people lined up to replace me. and i know its only logical that they would... but it bothers me just the same.

i'm headed down this afternoon to do some cleaning in my room. i will be there by myself and i'm hoping it will feel more like mine. but i think i know it won't. and all i wanted this summer was my own space. but already... this feels like just another place that someone owns. someone who is not me. another place i am making my home. but a place that is someone else's house. (my dad's favourite phrase: "this may be your home, but it's my house.")

don't get me wrong. i'm not complaining. its a nice little box to inhabit. and i'm happy. just wishing it felt more like mine. but then... how can something that really isn't mine... feel like it is?