ok fine. maybe i would fuck a fairy.

p.s.
a boy that can wear GLITTER on his cheeks... and not look like a fairy about to grant me a wish/a tacky gay boy that i imagine riding on a float dancing to "say a little prayer"/a 12 year old girl... this is a boy for me. i'm a simple kinda girl. i just don't want to fuck fairies, gay boys, or 12 year old girls. love me.

life is funny... but not ha ha funny
i would like some romance please. too bad that usually romance just makes me want to puke... and laugh. in that order. sometimes at the same time. but i don't want that kind of romance. i want MY kind. you know. where no one tries. where he doesn't even realize that he's being romantic. because when he knows, he just gets all dumb and "coy" (lol. yes, that was a direct shot at you). so this is what i'm asking for: romance without you realizing what you're doing. i'm not sure how you can arrange that... but it would be nice. i am so difficult and easy at the same time. contradict baby. contradict.

i went to see pretty girls make graves and the constantines tonight. both their sets were awesomeness. i think its funny that before the show started, i saw the singer for the constantines standing around... and i didn't know it was him (i never know what bands look like for some reason) and i thought to myself... "wow, that guy looks really out of place." i love me. which reminds me of the time i spilled coffee on my lap during eastern relgs class. and to "fix" it... i poured a shitload of water all over myself. kira laughed. and i loved myself again.

re: chasing me crazy
alright. so you also can't see your own asshole. and certain parts of your genitalia. i'm not sure how that fits in with my little rant down there. but yes. maybe that's another reason it feels nice when people notice vaginas. i remember reading something... i can't remember what it was a part of... but i always thought it was nice. a girl told a story about a time when a boy just wanted to look at her vagina. he just wanted to stare at it. and he told her how beautiful it was. and how different it was from other ones he had seen. how he could stare at her there... and read into so much else about her personality. and even though is felt weird at first, to just be stared at like that... she came away with a new appreciation for herself. a new awareness.

i have never thought my vagina was anything pretty. its more something i cover up with pretty things. i always figured it was pretty cool... but never something pleasing to look at.

i'd like someone to tell me its pretty one day. to tell me what makes it different from others.

fuck my eyes, hands, face, legs, ass. tell me that my vagina is beautiful. make it real.

chasing me crazy
you told me that my eyes were scary
"shhh... they're in my head!"
you could look away
they were inside MY face.

i couldn't distract myself from this thought fast enough.


but it is really weird the way you will never ever see your own face without the use of mirrors... which DO distort. it is the one part of you that is the most expressive... where most of your sensual organs reside... the one physical part (besides the back of your neck) of yourself that is hidden from you.

looking at other people's faces seems a lot more intimate when you realize that it is a part of themselves that they cannot see. i guess it also makes that place at the back of your neck pretty intimate too. i like that spot on people. and it always feels nice to be kissed there.

dear me,
baby you don't have to be
a picture in a magazine
sometimes you're to blind to see
anything objectively
just keep on doing your thing right now

p.s.
i really want a big sterling silver fishbone necklace. or earrings.

the important parts of my day (in a haiku)
waiting in drenched pants
majors, midterms, grignoter
crap's a dirty word

its cryptic for me too
i really thought that you were the kind of person that enjoyed the rain like i do. but you don't. so i shrugged it off. but when i think about it, i can't quite remember right now why i like the rain.

but there's nothing we can find
while our lives are plush and kind of fine
so we'll all call it a day

the great eastern
you know when you've owned an album for awhile... and you've listened to it at least a couple times before. and then something happens, and for the first time you really HEAR it. it comes up on your playlist just when you're needing it to. and it seems as though there couldnt have been a more perfect album. and no matter how many times you listen to it after that first time you really hear it... it never gets old.

a pact
i finally get it. i finally understand what my professer keeps blabbing on and on and on and on about. this literary great tradition. the way any writer must negotiate with these past ghosts. defining yourself really depends on the people who came before you. and i wonder why it must happen this way. why it seems the self is only defined using the boundaries set up between me and others. a great part of my self has been formed through my negotiations with him. but now i am forced to negotiate with these literary personas that i have never even met. i have to decide whether i am in the wasteland or in williams' spring. why must his red wheel barrow ride up my ass constantly? where do i fit amongst this spectrum? where do their ideas end and mine start? its like a labyrinth. monsters at every corner. wading through the pond of past ideas. picking up scraps. absorbing. osmosis.

Forgive me
they were so delicious
so sweet
and so cold

sometimes i want a child. to raise. to watch it explore. to build its confidence. to laugh at. to laught at me. to read to. to see which parts of me it latches onto. physically and otherwise. i wonder what i would do with a child. i wonder if i could do it.

then other times i just want a donut and a coffee. so i get that. and leave the child for later.

the sea and cake
and i'm doin' alright with just enough
and i'm doin' so
i feel on that way
and all of the misses and cast in the trouble now
and i don't want to say
because i'm bound to see
and i'm doing alright with just enough
i'm doing alright with just enough

the world was moving, she was right there with it
the night went by fast. i read a really depressing fitzgerald story. and waited for a phone call that never came. i just flipped on kid a. i felt a little less lonely when the wind from my window made me laugh outloud. i flipped from being stressed to tired to lonely to hot chocolate. everything in its right place. i watched a sign flicker in the street light. and wondered if it had caught anyone else's eye. i thought about where i was last year at this time. i miss the cafe a lot. the people. its weird how your life gets divided into periods of time based on where you were working. the little caesar's era. lick's. the cafe. benetton. each had a very definite period. happy st. patrick's day by the way. i wish i hadn't left my bailey's at jess'. i could use the warmth.

here's the lowdown
i don't think i've been posting a lot of factual stuff lately... i've been too lazy to document my comings and goings on here... besides... who really cares where i got drunk last friday? or that i even got drunk at all? meh.

- i am currently listening to built to spill
- i tried to catch up on my readings tonight
- i won a game of scrabble! (this my friend, is exciting)
- sam visited this weekend and we gave her the full montreal tour... it was nice to have her crawling around drunk and in bed with me. meow.
- we went to the st. patrick's day parade (which is huge in montreal) and i wish i felt more connected to my roots. being among people celebrating all things irish (even as commercialized and empty as most of it was) made me feel weird. i felt irish. but yet... i am so disconnected from that heritage that it doesn't feel like a part of me. it feels like something added onto me like a coat... not something ingrained in me like a past.
- i woke up feeling like an ashtray on saturday. it was disgusting.
- i think that maybe my life plan is faulty and i should transfer into management asap. meh.
- the more i think of summer... the more i realize how hard its going to be to come back here. as much as i love it... goodbyes always suck... leaving once was hard enough... but i have to leave again and again and again. goodbyes haunt me.
- live in the now. live in the now.
- i need to repeat my mantra more often... i'm only 20. i can't make a wrong decision.
- i think i might just try to make a wrong decision. fuck. of course i can make a wrong decision. i can choose to jump out my window right now. that would be a fucking stupid decision. dammit. my mantra is faulty.

i am bored and relaxed... here we go.
Pick an artist/band and answer the questions using song titles: hmmm... Wilco it is

Describe yourself - Don't You Honey Me, I Must Be High, Casino Queen
How do some people feel about you - Pecan Pie
How do you feel about yourself - Someone Else's Song
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend - Far, Far Away
Describe where you want to be - Dreamer in My Dreams
Describe what you want to be - Jesus, etc.
Describe how you live - Box Full of Letters, Pot Kettle Black
Describe how you love - I Am Trying To Break Your Heart
A few words of wisdom - It's Just That Simple

well, that was fun.

it feels like i've cooked
the sky in my frying pan
burnt egg whites, no yolk

she was dreaming of a song
it kept her up all night long
she's in a common state of being

- the cansecos

nicotine rushes just don't help
i have been in such a bad place this past week. and i don't know how to shake myself out of it. its partly school... everyone seems to be suffering from this... its comforting to know that at least. i am losing motivation by the day. my work is suffering. i just don't seem to care like i used to. so im skipping classes... writing crappy papers... watching myself slip... this is the problem. i am seeing myself developing bad habits. but i can't seem to reach the person doing these things. i can't seem to tell her to snap out of it. i'm eating poorly, i'm hanging out my window at nights, i'm dying my hair, i'm hiding in my room, i'm sleeping at all the wrong times... i'm actually feeling depressed. and i wouldn't say it unless it were true.

the world of dew
is the world of dew
and yet, and yet.

all i need is somewhere i can feel the grass beneath my feet
the more i talk to other people, the more i appreciate myself. not in the "i am so much cooler than these people kinda way" (although i am)... but the more i hear about what other people want in life... the more i appreciate that maybe what i want isn't so common. that we all have drastically different ideas of life. of our paths. it just makes me appreciate everyone's choices, including my own.

overall... i think i am easy. i really don't want a lot of things. i don't need a lot of money. and by this i don't mean... "i only need enough to support my expensive lifestyle." no... i don't have an expensive lifestyle (right right... besides this thousands of dollar tuition... but i think you know what i mean...) and i don't want one. my only deal is savings... i don't want to have to work until i die. i want to be ok in my old age. (ps. imagine me as an old lady... i really can't. lol) but other than that... i don't want to sit on all my money. i want to move. i want to use my money to take me places. and i don't mean that i want to buy myself a car in order to drive to work to pay for my car.

but who knows what will happen to me in the next couple of years. its so easy to get sucked into it all. its all pretty and glossy and everywhere. maybe its the easiest way. and im a lazy person. so who knows. either way... im sure i'll make it mine. if that makes sense at all.

i will be your wayward girl.

most boys
just
bore

me

I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).

i may have gone too far
so i started to make a point form list of what i did on my reading week but it wasn't really interesting/good. so here's the deal... i had a really nice week. i did a lot of well-needed relaxing. i enjoyed the weather and walked around downtown. i watched movies with my sister and mom. i yelled at and then laughed with my dad. friends were re-united. life choices were re-affirmed. the darkness was sung. "you're 20, you can't make a bad decision" became my newest mantra. i drank lots of beer and made lots of love. dinner was cooked for me. tears were shed. "seabiscuit" was mocked. twilight was pointed out to me. i re-fell in love.