bonjour.
well... who am i? i don't even know anymore. lol. how is it that some things happen at perfect times... and other things happen and leave you wondering what could have been... if only... and what happens when both these situations occur at the same time? it takes time to realize things that you had been pushing to the back of your mind for perhaps months. perhaps longer. who knows. it takes closure to finally decide to move on. timing was right and its easier than i thought.

who knew i could become that intimate with someone so quickly... who knew i could be that comfortable with someone who was a stranger a couple of weeks ago. someone i didnt look twice at. how is it that it happened at the exact time i needed it to? without me even realizing exactly how much i wanted something like this. and then getting to wallow in the questions... the unspoken sentences. a part of me likes it that way... it just happened. and there is barely anything else left to say. we never talked about it in detail... we just went with it. and it leaves me feeling awesome... and a little sad at the same time. how is it that THIS is what i am thinking about my last night in toronto. who would have thought? not me. alls i know is it was nice. really nice. in a sweeter way than probably most can understand. and im sad to leave things like this. but i know that it wouldnt have happened like it did... if i wasnt leaving. the emotions and the intimacy... wouldnt have happened if we had to deal with the repercussions the next week. and yet... i am a tad bit curious of exactly what those repercussions would have been. but im happy it happened. period. now if only i could kick the little girl inside me that hopes... well, for too much.

for dogs from 12 to 22 kg.
the cottage was loverly. lots of time to think and bathe in the sun. i composed about a million blogs over the two days... and where does it all leave me? even more confused and disheaveled than ever.

i watched the stars with my own little light in my hand. and i wondered if they were watching us. i held the cigarette wondering if i was holding it because of the fire. if the only reason it enticed me was because of the little glow it created. the way it made me feel like part of the stars. and i continued thinking that maybe it was a way for me to be close to a flame. and that is all it was. there was no other purpose than to hold that fire in my hands. and shine a light.

only people of a certain disposition are afraid of being alone at 20. i am of that disposition.

i am scared of going back to montreal and going to bed at night feeling completely alone. like there is no one thinking about me. no one loving me. no one wishing i was with them. there is a void. and its sad that i can't figure out how to deal with it. its sad that i dont remember ever having this void before. it takes someone to fill it before you even realize it was there. and then when they go, the void becomes so huge.

but im still here. a little weaker. my light's a little fainter.

i have spent a lot of time thinking about how these 3 years have changed me. he made me so much better than i thought i could be. showed me so much... about life, about myself... and im not being dramatic here. it truly is amazing to meet someone that can have that kind of an impact on you. so, thank you. because i don't say it enough.

what hurts the most is the idea that maybe i don't do that for him anymore... that the inspiration is gone. but i know its not that simple. sometimes its just hard to think about it any other way. life is simple right? we make it complicated.

so i creep.
i've been doing a lot of things that i used to do... and i've been liking it. i've been out late, i've been making new friends... i've been drinking with my bosses. i cut my hair again. its little. i quit my job today. two more weeks and counting. i almost cried about a million times today at work. and i actually cried once. they took care of me. i had a moment in the washroom and then it was back to work. working this much really has been a blessing. surrounded by awesome people every night really make things easier. i can't wait for this weekend. cottage country, get ready for sam. cos sam is gonna rape you. sam wants you so bad.

someone remind me to download the k-os cd, the new sahara hotnights, and the new cure. i'm so out of the loop. OH, and the beastie boys.

be very cool guys.
ps. i am so sick of coming home and having nothing to watch but fucking trading spaces, while you were out, hey we're going to paint your room, and surprise! you're room is a fucking beach inspired piece of shit! everyone needs to boycott these stupid re-decorating shows and get on the new bandwagon of CAR MAKE-OVERS. so much cooler. lol. ok, but i am kind of addicted to the show Rides. i think its on tlc or maybe life... what's the difference anyways. i want a hotrod. or a custom.

please tell me that's a joke
so i'm working EIGHT closing shifts in a row... and then its off to the cottage... i am going to need that vacation... i also need to break it to my boss that im leaving for montreal in a couple weeks. o man... school starts a week earlier than i thought... which means summer really is coming to a close. and all i want to do is sit in a park with some cheap wine and cigarettes. i almost went for a walk tonight/this morning to an old drinking place... but then i got lazy. i miss a lot of things... and i've been trying to do some thinking... but i get too overwhelmed. plus, i can feel the back-to-school stress coming on... i feel horrible quitting this job. the people are wonderful and the job is pretty cool too. im actually happy there. and they seem to like me... which is nice. im rambling and sipping my beer so bear with me. and i have so much to do before i leave toronto. is it going to be this hard to leave every year? because maybe im not strong enough to keep doing this. and man do i have to clean my room. there's lots on my mind, and there's knots in my stomach... i knew august was going to be hard. this is an emotional time.

so come sit in a park with me. and we'll run around barefoot, spilling wine and not caring. you can push me on the swings and i'll throw my head back and laugh at the moon. you can watch me and i will pretend that i don't notice. and i will watch you and you will pretend that you don't notice. that's all i want.

forever young.
so i cant figure out whether im coming or going. i worked all weekend. good and bad. i really like who i work with. REALLY. the staff is all so sweet and i really feel like i fit in there. the managers are super cool and seem to like me. it feels like im doing a good job there... and im appreciated and all that... so its gonna suck when i have to break it to them that im going back to mcgill in september. its weird because this job actually feels like it could get me good connections in the service industry... and i could even move up from where i am now... so it sucks. i actually kinda LIKE being at work... the 9 hours go by pretty damn fast usually. which is nice. but then i get worried. i always worry when i look forward to going to work. it seems that work is supposed to be something to dread. and if you dont dread work... then you must be going there to run away from some other part of your life. because at work... i stop thinking about stupid things... about problems... about myself basically. and its nice. i can just get into the groove and shake my money maker. so is it ok to like work? or does it mean that im using work to escape from other things? hmmm? maybe i just need to learn that its ok to like your job. because i really want to like my jobs guilt free.

and goddammit how hard is it to email someone!? someone you supposedly care about? goddamnhellassmotherfucker. ya.