hot seat
so i'm home. and things are the same and different. each time i come home, i wonder what will be different and what will be the same. it usually starts out on a hopeful note. we all play the roles we wished we lived. we ignore the shadows in our corners. baring their teeth. waiting for the light to shine on them. waiting for their time in the ring. and we manage to live this mini-utopia for awhile. we all try harder. push the shadows away for as long as we can. but we can never hold them back for long. its only a matter of time before they emerge. even our utopia is tainted with the knowledge that the shadows are there. no matter how happy and well we are getting along in the beginning... there is a tension. we all know its only a matter of time. i'm usually the one who cracks first. who acknowledges the shadows. who refuses to pretend anymore. meh. i wonder if we can ever get rid of those shadows. move on. change the roles. i am so ready.

as sad as that sounds, i'm glad to be home. i missed my cat. i missed cable tv. i missed living in this family. as hard as it sometimes can be... i definitely missed it. i missed driving. i missed scarborough. i missed friends. i can't wait to be downtown again.

i think i'm just tired. home is strange. i can't figure out where home is anymore. i call both cities home. this home is losing it though... its slipping as home. and i kind of like that growth. this is my parent's house. and its starting to feel more and more like a place to visit. my room is bare. its like a hotel room now. there is no me left in it.

i'm feeling quite boring right now, so i will sleep.