you're not exactly an innocent bystander.
maybe i am not letting him in. but maybe its because i know i can't. there's not enough time. letting him in would only necessitate pushing him out in a month.

i am an ugly person sometimes. an ugly person that occasionally wishes she was model thin. an ugly person who hates for no good reason. an ugly person that only thinks of herself. an ugly person that pushes people away at whim and expects them to stick around anyways. an ugly person who judges before she gets to know someone. an ugly person who sometimes wrongfully judges even those she loves.

i guess we can all be pretty ugly, huh?
i won't make excuses.

inspired by random blogsurfing...
i will attempt to compose a random and incomplete list of current things that anyone who wants to date me must accept... scratch that... anyone that wants to AFFECT me (ie. love me, fuck me, break me, lull me)... must realize...

- i like to hear your stories. so make them good. make them real. i will be able to tell when you are lying.
- look into my eyes when we talk.
- don't touch me when i expect it. make me want you to hold my hand, or touch my thigh... grab me when i am least expecting it.
- you need to appreciate my underwear. comments are appreciated.
- oh. and if its hot, or if i'm tired, or if i'm just not feeling you right that second... i might not want to see you, kiss you, or fuck you. deal with it. and don't whine about it. its not personal... but it will be if you don't shut up and give me some space.
- i like to go out with my friends. you will not always be invited.
- i prefer to stay over at your place. i like my space... and i like being able to leave when i want to be alone again.
- you must love music. and be able to impress me. if not with your knowledge... with your curiousity into my hobby.
- i want to have that kind of love that feels like magic. make even grocery shopping an adventure. some of the best dates are the silly ones. i appreciate the silly ones. a romantic dinner is just not as good as say, curling.
- i think every girl likes to feel a little sexy, a little funny, a little interesting and a little skanky. if you can manage to find this balance with me... you win.
- don't patronize my fashion choices. don't comment on my hair, make-up, clothes, or shoes if you don't know exactly what to say. i can be ecclectic, i like to change my hair, and yes... i will sometimes be a fashion don't. so if all you can muster is a "that's an interesting hairdo" please shut up and let me feel fabulous... what do you know anyways? retro is very in.
- i like to hear about your past experiences with girls... it proves to me that you have been affected and can affect.
- please be able to listen to me. and understand that i don't always expect a comforting response. i don't expect you to fix anything... i just want you to listen. don't feel helpless. i don't need you to save me.
- i might confuse you. i might be hot and cold with you. i'm sorry... i'm a complicated individual. lol. but i promise i can be worth it.

there's lots more but i am getting hungry and must give in to my cravings for cookies and ice cream. that reminds me... one more: feed me. i fucking love food. cook for me and i will molest you as you slave over a hot meal... nothing is sexier than you cooking and me eating.

perfect.
a list of things that currently keep me sane:
- steph at work... she is the funniest girl i have ever met. knowing she'll be there makes working more than bearable.
- the regulars at work. the ones that i know will not be pissed if it takes me a little longer to get their drinks or take their orders... i know i'm on their good side no matter how busy or crappy i am that day.
- a certain singer. its nice to have someone around that cares... and loves my bum.
- lunch dates with my sister. its strange how much we really do need each other. and a nice taro milk bubble tea.
- trashy magazines. hey, its been my guilty pleasure this summer. that, and crappy tlc and life network shows.
- mythbusters. i'd marry those two dudes. they can bust my myths anytime. prow. (yes, i'm weird... but sometimes they are really funny. and sometimes, funny can take you a long way.)
- these gray sweatpants. they are so goddamn comfy... PLUS i feel strangely hot in them.
- popcorn and m&m's. (pffft. i'll lose the weight in the fall.)
- sunny days.

underfucked.
i really have nothing to say...
- yesterday i bought a silkscreening kit... and i will attempt to design meself some fancy shmancy shirts
- i never sleep before 4 anymore
- my nails are wet with revlon's "absolute bliss"
- my brain has turned to mush... all i can think about doing in my free time is lying around on the couch and eating
- with all the working, i have really learned to appreciate just lying around doing nothing.
- i'm saving up money for the ny trip
- ok, i'm TRYING to save up money for the ny trip
- i need to call my ex

and done.
must go pop some popcorn. mmmmmmmmmm.

angelina and brad are having better sex than i can even fantasize about. i know this one thing for sure.
i'm sifting through old documents on this here family computer... and what do i find but old high school drama. the old me. this me was different. this me wrote things like "i feel like my emotions are being poured out of me"... or... "i have been trying to get over you since the day i met you"... this me felt her heart exploding. this me fell face first into love like it was a pit of snakes. this me wrestled with everything. everything was felt and expressed... in this crazy way. even reading back... i can't remember what i was feeling when i wrote that "i feel like i've been ripped apart right down the middle"... most of the writing is cliche... but there's something about the way i put it, at the time i was so certain that i felt this things. i dont feel this strongly anymore. at least i havent in quite a long time. i know that the teens are supposed to be a rollercoaster of emotions and intensity... but am i duller now? have my emotions been blunted? i dont feel the way i used to. and i guess reading these old, intense writings... made me realize it. but then i started to think that maybe its not a bad thing. sure, its intriguing to read all these crazy dramatic feelings that swallowed me whole... but i suppose its natural to get off the rollercoaster ride. to take the wheel.

and i think that when you're driving, its harder to pretend like you have no control.

it's hard to remember we're alive for the first time.
it's hard to remember we're alive for the last time.
it's hard to remember to live before you die.
~ modest mouse, your life

clearly i'm talking over the best part.
there are certain people that just bring out the best in me... people that make me the kind of person i want to be... in that cheesy cliche way... its fucking crazy how someone else can affect who you are so... so easily. how certain people can always always make you feel more interesting, more fun, more ALIVE. gawd. i love those people.

and then there are the people that make you feel useless... and somehow i can't get over these people either. because i want to be around them... to prove them/myself wrong. to prove that i'm not the person they think i am/the person they seem to make me become. so i'm attracted to them too. and these are the bad attractions. because these relationships always make me feel bad about myself. make me feel inadequate... but i keep going back... hoping that it will be different this time.

i'm not very eloquent tonight... but i hope you get it.

ink is the blood of civilizations... paper is the flesh.
there is something incredible about the written word. in general it is captivating and romantic and well... everything i love. but specifically, i'm starting to think that there is something incredible about newspapers. i think they're making a comeback. that is, a comeback in the hearts of those that appreciate the little things... the soulfull things. and maybe you can't feel it yet, but you will. trust me. the newspaper has a history of being associated with all things noir... detectives hiding behind them in dingy coffee shops, newsboys (with those oh so hip hats) standing on corners yelling out the headlines, or even couples coming out of theatres having to use them as makeshift umbrellas.... but, more recently... i think they've gained a new image. our fast-paced lives and crazy technohabits have pretty much made the newspaper passe. hell, with up to the minute news on the web and on tv, you could even say that the newspaper is unneccessary. gasp. yet, it is at this point that they become amazing. when it becomes something that us romantics can reclaim. newspapers then become charming. think about it... someone who chooses to read the newspaper... chooses to be that little bit out of touch with what is going on RIGHT this second... someone whose fingers are slightly stained by the ink... its getting me hot just thinking about it.

the newspaper as a medium... is vintage.

maybe i'm crazy... but newspapers are it. pick one up. feel the ink... feel the flesh... touch the words... and feel cooler, more romantic, and just plain hotter than all those people logging on to cnn.com.