fallible.
we talk about her all the time. that girl. you know. she usually comes up as a negative... "i don't want to be 'that girl' who waits by the phone..." or "i don't want to be 'that girl' that gets jealous of the time he spends with his friends." that girl haunts a lot of us. she's who we project everything onto. she bears all this weight. that girl.
how can i make what i want to say cryptic enough? cryptic enough so you won't know exactly what happened... but you'll get it. and i'll get some relief knowing its out there. the truth is... i can't. i can't tell you. i can't even tell him, so what hope have you got? how does one explain... how completely disrespected i felt. how completely wrong it had been. when i said it was ok. when i let him. when i urged him on. how can i explain what i felt when i stood in the bathroom looking at myself afterwards. how can i explain how sick his apologies made me feel. i began comforting him. I began comforting HIM. because if i could convince him it was ok, then maybe it meant i was ok too. how can i explain that i just don't want to talk about it. i don't want to look at him. no. it wasn't ok. i said it was. i don't understand it. i don't understand how it is possible... to say yes, to go with it... and then after... just have it feel... so horrible. but it was wrong. all wrong. i am that girl.
it changes everything. in a way that i can't explain. one stupid, drunken night. the inconsideration... my own placid permission... it makes me want to throw up. i don't know if i can forgive what i already said i forgave. its not even a matter of apologies... it happened. and it can't be taken back. i know he's sorry. he didn't mean to hurt me. but you know what? it doesn't make any fucking difference.
i never ever thought this could happen to me. i never ever thought i would feel this way. when i worried about him hurting me... i never considered that this would be how it happened. something is changed. and i don't know what to do right now. i don't know what to do.
"and you do lose, what you don't hold
this is an old song
these are old blues
and this is not my tune..."
we talk about her all the time. that girl. you know. she usually comes up as a negative... "i don't want to be 'that girl' who waits by the phone..." or "i don't want to be 'that girl' that gets jealous of the time he spends with his friends." that girl haunts a lot of us. she's who we project everything onto. she bears all this weight. that girl.
how can i make what i want to say cryptic enough? cryptic enough so you won't know exactly what happened... but you'll get it. and i'll get some relief knowing its out there. the truth is... i can't. i can't tell you. i can't even tell him, so what hope have you got? how does one explain... how completely disrespected i felt. how completely wrong it had been. when i said it was ok. when i let him. when i urged him on. how can i explain what i felt when i stood in the bathroom looking at myself afterwards. how can i explain how sick his apologies made me feel. i began comforting him. I began comforting HIM. because if i could convince him it was ok, then maybe it meant i was ok too. how can i explain that i just don't want to talk about it. i don't want to look at him. no. it wasn't ok. i said it was. i don't understand it. i don't understand how it is possible... to say yes, to go with it... and then after... just have it feel... so horrible. but it was wrong. all wrong. i am that girl.
it changes everything. in a way that i can't explain. one stupid, drunken night. the inconsideration... my own placid permission... it makes me want to throw up. i don't know if i can forgive what i already said i forgave. its not even a matter of apologies... it happened. and it can't be taken back. i know he's sorry. he didn't mean to hurt me. but you know what? it doesn't make any fucking difference.
i never ever thought this could happen to me. i never ever thought i would feel this way. when i worried about him hurting me... i never considered that this would be how it happened. something is changed. and i don't know what to do right now. i don't know what to do.
"and you do lose, what you don't hold
this is an old song
these are old blues
and this is not my tune..."
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