jeff told me that the ability to cry is something that proves you are really in touch with yourself. i smiled and nodded... realizing he had never had the ability to cry. because if he had... he would know. he would know that crying is only the effect of a complete inability to be in touch with yourself. crying is what happens when you can't do anything else. crying is feeling helpless and out of touch.

i feel like i'm caught in a big tornado. a twisty wind that swirls and swirls and lifts my skirt... blows my hair so that no matter how much i struggle, i will never see clearly out of the mass of me. i am dizzy. i can't explain myself. but it's been this way for awhile. there's so much going on. i have to be so many different people these days. there's so much unsettled. there's so much to settle. there are things to lose and gain and break. there are things to be done. there are decisions to make. there are people to walk on glass around. everyone expects me to have an answer. and i can't give them one. what will happen? will you forget me? where will you go? what will you do? what will we do? WHO WILL YOU BE?

i ask myself the same questions.
i cry.
so out of touch with myself these days.
i cry more than ever.
i have stopped trying not to cry.
i forget how.

goddammit get me out of my head.