the scientist
rainy morning... dark in the apartment

come up to meet you
tell you i'm sorry
we both know how lovely you are...

you're not even human to me anymore. you've becomes something in my mind that i'm sure doesn't even match up to the real you anymore. the real you. how can i say something like that... i have no idea who the real you is. all i have are pieces.

...i've set you apart
tell me your secrets
ask me your questions
o lets go back to the start

there has never been a... what if things had been different. i never asked those kinds of questions. really though, i don't think i ever focus on those questions.

i was just guessing at numbers and figures
pulling your puzzles apart
questions of science, science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart

i just want to finish school and start working again. have days at the beach. find a new inspiration. you've been good. i've written a lot because of you. but i'm ready for someone real.

i had a dream that i was running away to india. i forgot my toothbrush. i only had canadian money. i didn't pack any socks or underwear. but i was going.

its in the photograph
weezer =
- summer driving
- handsurfing
- beach dates
- popsicles
- parks

sigh.

if you want it, you can have
but you gotta learn to reach out there and grab it

cos everybody wants some love
shooting from the stars above
and though my heart will break
there's more that i could take
i can never get enough

my lady with her watches by the mattress
current guilty pleasures:
- ted leo's cover of kelly clarkson's "since u been gone"... its a great song to scream around the apartment... and it kills me every time how he can seemlessly flow from kelly clarkson into the yeah yeah yeahs... and back again. sometimes he's one righteous dude.
- anything sweet and bad for me
- tea. tea. tea. i drink at least 3 cups a day. o and oatmeal. its a killer duo.
- the l word. i know its unrealistic. but its fun. and as a friend said... its nice watching a show all about girls. and not about girls and their guys. just girls.
- tennyson's "in memoriam"... what an amazing poem.
- making lists of all the crap i have to do. it beats actually doing the stuff.
- the second cup up on mount royal... the sun just hits that place so perfectly... and stays that way all afternoon.
- looking at americanapparel.com and making lists of all the stuff i want for summer
- every once and a while clicking on theclothingshow.com... i'm excited.
- daydreaming about summer.

how can i put it...
you put me on.
i even fell for a stupid love song
yea yea since you been gone
how come i never hear you say
'i just wanna be with you'
maybe you never felt that way...
but since you been gone
i can breathe for the first time

my southern girl
the winter is almost worth it... if only for the way the spring seems to infect this fair city. everyone is so incredibly happy and outside. its this crazy natural high that could not have happened without those dark and cold months. they are almost worth it... i'm sure. for this high that i'm feeling right now. i feel an affinity to everyone... we all got through it. and we can now all rejoice that we made it... and look... just look outside at our reward!!!

o gawd. am i too happy? is this making you want to puke? good. its BEAUTIFUL TODAY! and i am in a grand mood. and i just discovered the phrase punch-fucking good time. and i like it.

o and go download the new beck album. i am going to marry him one day. he can fit right inbetween my fling with colin farrel and my paris romance with adrian brody. spring love... lalalala... find meeeeeeeee.

i hope everyone is having a punch-fucking good day.

i kiss your neck when i leave your bed.
so sad how contact from you just brings this gigantic smile to my face. just to know that i crossed your mind... and you decided to let me know in email form. it makes me think that maybe you think about me sometimes too. maybe we're both crazy. maybe i'm not alone on this one. just maybe.

and now i can't sleep. damn you and your effects on me. o who am i kidding... i love the effect you have on me. i love that someone can have an effect like this on me... ah. irrational feelings. incomprehensibility. silliness. reading into things. pretending things don't matter. ignoring feelings. inflating feelings. nerves. giddiness. putting up walls. letting little bits show through. this is what its all about, no?

i love the ride. because i don't get it. because it may be something. because it may be nothing. because its a fun ride.

some cities
- today was gorgeous. absolutely gorgeous. and everyone was walking around with maple on a stick. crazy montreal maple lovers.
- in 5 weeks, i am completely done. exams and all. in my head, it sounds shorter. then i write it down... and man... 5 weeks is a long time. well... classes are done in 3 and a half. there we go. that sounds better.
- we found subletters. i feel like i inherited money.
- i'm addicted to tea. tea in the morning... tea in the afternoon... tea before bed... TEA!
- everyone should go listen to the kills, exploding hearts, and the raveonettes. and then you will be one step closer to my headspace.
- sometimes i wish i could snap my fingers and be asleep. sometimes its those minutes before i fall asleep... they kill me. those minutes are so incredibly honest. my thoughts roam to the things and the people that i am trying to forget... that i pretend don't matter. the things that scare me... the things i am embarrassed about... the memories that hurt... the mistakes i make... the people and things i miss... just lying there in the dark somehow brings it all back... flashes it all on the movie screen in my mind. (sometimes i avoid bed to avoid these thoughts)

black magic and your $2 love
i really feel like seeing some live music. some good, live music.
i stayed sober on st paddy's. it wasnt so bad.
the smoke in that house was unbearable. what was i ever thinking?
i feel like going undie shopping. i just might.
my friend was supposed to come up this weekend. and while i was kind of not looking forward to "entertaining", i was actually really psyched to see her and to spend the weekend wandering around montreal with her. its been so long since i've done that. and now that she's not coming anymore... i dont know if i can justify taking the weekend off still. boo.
tongue ring?

maybe baby please.
and some nights... when i step out of the bath... the lights are all out... i make my tea... and i hear content mumbling from one room... and half of a phone conversation from the other... some nights... i quietly make my way to my room... cuddle up in a big sweater... and fight off that pang. for my own person to mumble to.

i have no will to survive.
there is something amazing about sleeping in and then starting the morning off with the clash, some warm oatmeal, and tea. this just might be a good day.

and she gently hummms...
laying down in a hotel bed
wouldnt take no phone calls at all
didnt want no more voices in her head

thats the way that you feel
thats the way that you feel
honey then
thats the way that you feel

ambient music + nap = productive night?
i just can't turn on today. i can't get going. i have a list of things to be accomplished sitting on my desk. sigh. i can't even get up the strength to read through it. i am hoping a nap might spark some life into me. wake up dammit. wake up and focus. today HAS to be a productive day. i fucking scheduled it in goddammit. and here it is 6 oclock... i want to pull out my hair.

actually, i really want to get on a plane and go to amsterdam. did u know that in amsterdam they built the shell head office over the old gallows field? we were looking at old 17th century maps of amsterdam in art history class today. and i just wanted to be there so badly. i wanted to be anywhere badly. anywhere but that cold classroom beside that blonde girl i always sit beside and sometimes chat with. anywhere without that stale coffee in my hand. anywhere where i could be someone else for a minute. travel is amazing like that.

shit. i gotta take out the garbage.

i don't want to give up the fight.
sometimes i think i'm two people in one body. fighting it out for control and terrain. half of me always feels like cuddling up in blankets upon blankets with something sinful to eat and someone nice to hold me. the other half always feels like stealing a car and driving off with no destination all by myself.

i crave comfort and i crave romance. i want clarity but i also want confusion.

sometimes i hate being alone. and other times i just can't stand when i am unable to be alone.

i am scared of commitment. maybe scared is the wrong word. maybe its always been the wrong word. maybe i don't want commitment. not in the marriage kind of way. not yet. not now. hearing how she is moving in with her boyfriend... sharing a bedroom... just made me realize how that is so not something i am ready for/want anytime soon. the fact that i was so shocked... when really, we're 21. this is a normal thing to be doing i guess. but for me... its just not normal. i am open to having someone change my mind though.

i guess i really am JUST getting used to being alone. alone in the real sense. alone in the... i don't look at everyone like a potential anything anymore. when we first broke up, i would look at every attractive stranger as a possible new mate. i don't do that anymore. i am not actively looking around for the next person to connect with. i am finally... finally... just "be"ing. and this is really something... no matter how much i sometimes want someone along for the ride... i really need this time. again... i am open to have my mind changed... but i really don't need anything serious right now. i am finally forgetting what its like to be in something serious. i am finally remembering.

o how i love this song
sometimes in the morning i am petrified and cant move
awake but cannot open my eyes
and the weight is crushing down on my lungs
i know i cant breathe and hope someone will save me this time
and your mothers still calling you insane and high
swearing its different this time
and you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
that god never blessed her in size
then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
crawl back into bed to dream of a time
when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
like the sick and the dying...
AND SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE ON
YOU'RE REALLY FUCKING ON
and your friends they sing along and they love you
but the lows are so extreme
that the good seems fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence
but you'll fight and you'll make it through
you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up the world with a smile
you'll be better and you'll be smarter
and more grown up and a better daughter or son
and a real good friend
you'll be awake
you'll be alert
you'll be positive though it hurts
and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
and you'll be a real good listener
you'll be honest, you'll be brave
you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
you'll be happy.

your ship may be coming in
you're weak but not givin in
to the cries and the wails of the valley below
and your ship may be coming in
you're weak but not giving in
and you'll fight it...

you'll go out fighting all of 'em.
- rilo kiley

you really need to scream out that part about being really fucking on. its the only way to do it man. sometimes i scream it out in my head. a lot. and i like to listen to this song and believe all the little things. that i will be happy. that i will be a better daughter. that i will fake it if i have to. and i'll be alert and awake... instead of muddled and cloudy. its funny how just the idea of being alert and awake on a daily basis... can sound so amazingly liberating and just something to strive for.

fuck the romanticized muddle. give me clarity. sometimes. ok i know i'm lying. i am the romanticized muddle. i wouldn't like myself if i were complete clarity. but sometimes, it sounds nice.

and i remember the day you said till death do us part
and i remember the day i saw you die
i remember the accidents
we always called accidents
i remember the way i learned to lie
- ill lit

i am destroyer, i am lover.
i've been listening to a lot of stars lately. their first album. where they start by telling me that this is their heart. i wonder what my heart would look like in album form. i wonder what my heart looks like period. i remember reading a story once about someone's experience of giving blood. after they had filled the big bag with their red stuff, the nurse asked them if they wanted to hold it. and the person was surprised by this idea but decided to do it. i remember the way the person explained the strange feeling of holding their own blood. being surprised that it was so warm. just feeling its weight on their chest. i want to experience that one day. feeling the weight and warmth of my blood on my chest.

i think i might have posted that antecdote before. meh. the idea re-entered my head.

i was attempting to do some research at the library when i got distracted by books i wish i had the time to read. there was a really interesting chapter in one of the books i was looking through... about this surge of art about surgery and mutilation in i think it was the 60s. i didnt have time to really absorb it all... but it fascinated me. it was filled with pictures of hospital surgery rooms and mutilation and bodies.

i think i'm in some weird blood mood.

you know what else has been playing through my head on repeat? the source is cheesy. i was reading some article on death from above 1979 and the interviewer asked something about the violent way they play contrasted with their attempts at love songs. something like that. and the band made the incredibly true statement that love and violence have a lot in common. there is no other time that two bodies are as close as when they make love or when they physically fight. and while i guess this is pretty obvious... and i guess i knew this already... it really made me think about it. i've been thinking about it ever since.

and then i was reading about sexuality in ancient rome. they had a really interesting concept of rape. rape was conceptualized as a paradigm for rome itself. rome was a city that assimilated so many different cultures through war... a city that created itself and its politics through strife. for rome, war created and destroyed. it was this ebb and flow between war and creation that characterized rome. in their mythology, rape is always surrounded by ideas about big political change. for romans, rape symbolized that dual destruction/creation paradigm. it destroyed the chastity of a woman but it had the potential to create new life. i probably explained that wrong, but i think you get the picture. rape for them... held so much meaning because it was the site where violence and sexuality met. where creation and destruction held hands. and so now i am fascinated with the way societies conceptualize rape.

i am destroyer, i am lover.
why love one thing and not the other?

please be kind.
i feel the need to close off the chapter i opened last week... maybe you're curious, maybe you're not. did he call? did i fall?

well. we closed off the chapter together. over breakfast. i had strawberry waffles and he had peach crepes. he explained that the only way to start the day is with crepes. if he can't have crepes for breakfast, he skips breakfast altogether. quite suddenly and unexpectedly, he looked at me and he told me i had big eyes. such a small statement. but it startled me. startled me because we never say anything that reveals we had been looking at each other. its not much i guess. but it was a moment. and i responded by telling him he had small eyes.

and then i got on the train.
closing the chapter.

and it was another nice chapter. maybe my last post didn't paint a good picture. but hey, what do you expect? i'm crazy. and we're not right for each other. i can't imagine being involved in anything serious with him. but right now, it doesn't matter much. let me keep my daydreaming fantasies about cottages and summer and him.

(and maybe i just like that he makes me feel something again.)

and now that you know... we can all move on for the time being.