i love your friends. they're all so arty.
so what's the big news?
- i cut meself some brand new baby bangs. hot shit.
- he actually planned a dinner... found a recipe, bought the required ingredients (plus some cheap red wine) and we made dindin together.
- he made me breakfast in bed and said cheesy things. and i fell for them. cheesy things like "you're too cute to get out of bed." (sidenote = when i finally made it to the mirror i realized that this boy must either be really crazy about me, or just plain crazy... because i looked like ass. actual ass.)
- i think maybe there is no better kisser for me.
- all i feel like doing is gushing. i think this falling thing is making me a far less interesting person.
- o. i also feel like hearing other people gush. i am encouraging my roomies to be gushy and in love.

i am so happy. and it has been so long. so long since something felt this new and great and easy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... i am so boring. i am so sorry i am so happy. i will work on something more depressing for the next post.

fuck. its crazy how something like this just makes every facet of your life better.

i am going mad. and its great.

debrief.
i am a perfectionist at heart. and today i was incredibly peeved with my performance on my first real japanese test. i'm the kind of person who can get thrown off when all of a sudden one or two questions really stump me. so that is what happened. in the first section i saw at least 2 questions that i did not immediately have the answers to... and that was enough for me to blindly complete the rest of the test. and only realize afterwards that i made a lot of stupid mistakes... and may or may not have screwed up the instructions on an entire section. now really, this test is worth 5% of my grade. no biggie. but still. sometimes i think i've come really far in letting things slide... in accepting mistakes... and then minor incidents like this remind me that i usually just want to be perfect. always in top form.

in other/brighter news, apparently i am oozing a happiness that has not left these pores in quite a long time. this happiness is flying out of me and attacking everyone around me. i seem to have become this approachable happy wandering creature. random people in my classes are stopping me on the street to make conversation... hell, some store owning hippie even tried to pick me up on the street! this one requires telling.

sunday afternoon. i never get to use two of my favourite adjectives at once... but here goes... i was actually the perfect combination of being both sanguine and languid. it was raining. that light, misty rain. not enough for an umbrella. not enough to say you got really wet. just a gentle tappy tap from the sky. come to think of it, the sky must have been quite languid herself.

anyways... back to the story. i was wandering around duluth looking for new grocery stores (tidbit: duluth is rufus wainwright's favourite street in montreal). i passed one of the many hippie stores in the area and there was this guy standing outside talking on a cell phone. he sort of nodded at me and i continued on my way. about 3 minutes later i hear a skateboarder coming up behind me so i move to the side to let him/her pass. instead, the skateboarder dismounts beside me and i recognize the driver (ha) as the hippie store dude. enter dialogue:

"hey."

"uh... hi." for some reason i am not in the least put off. i continue strolling with my new accomplice following step.

"i just saw you pass my store and i thought i'd catch up and say hi."

"well... hi."

"i'm john."

"sam." we shake on this.

"nice red flowers." he comments on my tattoo.

"nice longboard. shouldn't you be at work?"

"nah, not really."

"i see."

"what are you doing today?"

"you know... enjoying the weather. wandering. maybe some grocery shopping."

"i see." we get to the corner at this point and i am openly waiting for his pick up line... i am a little distracted with trying to figure out a nice way to not give him my number. i am surprised that i have let him tag along this far without feeling completely uncomfortable. and then it comes...

"so, are you in love?" smack in the face. i am left a little speechless and i laugh. that was unexpected.

"i'm working on it." what!? i am!? what am i saying? what are the words that are coming out of my mouth!? "are you?"

"well... no. not really. no. no i'm not." i take from this that he's seeing someone he doesn't like. "would you like to go for a drink sometime?"

"i don't think i should."

"one guy for right now?"

"yea. i think so." at this point... i am so impressed that he managed to sidestep the 'do you have a boyfriend?' question... that i encourage him! "but you know... i know where you work." i really have no intention of ever stopping by. but he genuinely seemed like a nice guy. and i wanted him to know that.

"yea... i'm sure we'll run into each other. i always notice when a princess walks by... anyways, life is long. you might find me when you're done with him." aside from the princess comment (i'm a pretty princess... la la la) i was just so impressed with his take on the pick-up. he was not creepy. he did not pressure. and goddammit, his line was... are you in love?

life drawing. drawing life.
i'm hearing sad songs and faint smooches. i know they're buzzed off wine. and i'm smiling. its sad to realize your happiness for others has a lot to do with your happiness for yourself. we're a cruel race, humanity.

i have been having an emotional time lately. training with my school's sexual assault centre as well as... well... let's not label it. instead, i will say that we dressed up and double dated last night at a vegetarian restaurant up the street. he has a beautiful face. green eyes. and he tried to convince me to be sick this morning. he moans when i leave his side. he tells me i laugh too much.

i think he is the first to really point out the way i laugh. and i don't mean the pitch or the tone... but the way i use laughter to emote. i laugh a lot. i laugh to show affection. i laugh when he makes his voices. i laugh when he looks at me too long. i laugh when we're lying in bed. i laugh after we have sex. that exhausted laugh. i laugh when he tells me i'm beautiful. i laugh because... well... i think maybe its like everything just sort of bubbles over inside of me... and makes its way out of my mouth as laughter.

i can't imagine anything simpler.

your fashionable whore.
i like my routine. i like my mornings. i like my tea and french toast crunch. and music. and room that seems untouched by the sunlight. a room that lets me be sleepy for a little bit longer than i should. i like the comfort of a few people awake on msn to chat with. i like when my regular blogs have been updated... my morning paper. i like when a good song comes on right when i need it to. and i glance over at my post-it note of "to do"s... and i can let it slide for at least another half an hour. while i rock out in my pjs.

how i would love to gnaw,
gnaw on your bones so white.
and watch as the freight trains paw,
paw at the wild, wild night.
~ joanna newsom

i actually think i may be in love. to top it all off, she's a total babe.

ok i will try not to quote her lyrics for at least 24 hours. but can i just say, her world is incredibly appealing.

i do as i please
now i'm on my knees
your skin is something that i stir into my tea
and i am watching you
and you are starry, starry, starry
and i'm tumbling down...
~ joanna newsom, "clam, crab, cockle, cowrie"

holy fuck. your skin is something that i stir into my tea. holy fuck i say.

she said all that, so she could say this.
so i'm wandering around campus in a food-starved daze. i'm feeling like my fuel tank is on empty, despite the huge bowl of french toast crunch cereal i had this morning. with vanilla soy milk no less. i am wandering because my japanese class was cancelled. apparently the building had no water. and clearly water is important to the japanese. so after i gleefully skip down the hill with some classmates that i am attempting to befriend, (i need a group in japanese for skits, etc. and clearly i am only attempting to befriend them for this reason. lol. o my.) i make the decision to return to my nice, warm bed. i clearly did not get enough sleep with all the lovemaking and talking the boy and i did. clearly. and besides, i think i might be sort of hungover from all the wine we drank. i think this may be why i'm dizzy.

anyways. i'm wandering. and my shaky limbs decide that bed is not an option just yet and so instead of going home, they take me in the general direction of a bookstore. on my way, i pass the mcgill gates, where there is usually a strange man protesting the jewish hospital (i swear he is a mcgill character. remind me to make a list of mcgill characters). anyways, this man with his huge protest sign is absent today and i notice myself looking for him. usually i try to avoid him. in place of this generally harmless, but nevertheless big man with a big sign, i am confronted with some sort of anti-bush/cheney table. as i pass the stand, an old man steps up to me and says, "hey did you hear that katrina gave bush and cheney a blow job?" and hands me a pamplet. and i think to myself, "did that old man just say blowjob?" and yes, i replay the sentence and am convinced he did infact say blowjob. i take his piece of paper because of this. i shove it in my bag because i dont want anyone else to realize that i've been suckered into accepting crap.

i continue on and fall into the bookstore. it is here that i forget to remember that i have no money... and pick this up. it came highly recommended and i decide to finally look into it. lately i have been feeling a lot. a lot of good things. and i decide that it has been awhile since i read something... affective. i need to read something that makes me feel something. its been too long since a book really touched me. so i pick up this book in the hopes that this is the one... what i'm looking for. a book that is going to make sense for me. for the me that is breathing right now.

and now, at home, looking at this new book sitting across the room gets me a little excited. its the excitement of beginnings... before things are spoiled... when you can imagine an unrealistic perfection in something.

the boy and i were being bombarded by flourescent lights in blockbuster last night, when he says, "my favourite part about renting movies is this... not actually watching the movie, but picking one out... and the feeling that the movie you pick out might just be amazing..."

its nice to hold something up... away from reality. for just those miniscule moments. pretend its untouchable. let it live purely as potential.

soft kisses and new books.
what is: things that aren't disappointing yet.

ohayoo gozaemas.
its bloody hot in this city. not in a nice fall way... in a sticky, muggy uggy, you want to be naked all the time but realize this is clearly neither acceptable nor pretty. honest to god, i broke a sweat picking up my pen in class yesterday. anyhoo... what did i do to combat this heat? went to the gym!!! WOOOO!!!

some songs i listen to while i burn baby burn (don't judge):
pretty girls make graves - speakers push air
jkwon - tipsy
sean paul - shake that thing
britney spears - toxic
death from above 1979 - romantic rights
the rapture - house of jealous lovers
ramjam - black betty

you will pay for your incessant charm.
[in an alleyway somewhere in montreal... passing a cheap bottle of wine back and forth]

"when's your birthday anyways?"

"february 10th"

"so that makes you..."

"an aquarius."

"ah."

"and yours?"

"june --" (so i forget. whatever. i'm cold.)

"and you are a..."

"cancer."

"ah... i've had a bad experience with a cancer."

"i've had a bad experience with an aquarius. i've looked it up... cancers and aquariuses are not supposed to be good together in relationships. cancers are too needy and emotional... aquariuses are too detached."

"and cold."

"exactly."

find a few living things rotting fast.
and i know... that i'm starting to feel it... when i start to get terrified. i know i am starting to fall... when all of a sudden i am clamouring about for something to hold onto. things are happening so fast. and i'm confused, yes. we moved with such speed from strangers to lovers. from nobodies to two bodies.

i'm scared that its too right.
i'm scared that i will get too involved.
and i didn't realize i was going to be scared.
scared of something real.
i had forgotten the sort of vulnerability realness requires.
and i can ask myself whether or not i'm ready for this... whether or not i want this... but we all know... that these answers are as useless and insignificant as the questions. i'm going to have to be ready. because i have no choice. its as simple as that.

it takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

i don't know my future after this weekend
and i don't want to
~bjork

a train rode my tracks tonight. and i stopped with some other bikers to watch it pass. then i followed one of them down a strange road and got lost. i'm all about following other bikers. they get me lost... and then i find another one who leads me in the direction home. the misguided trust i have in these strangers is uncanny.

and bjork kept me company the whole time. even though my fucking cd player would not stop skipping. i was reminded why bjork rules. big time sensuality. come on. what an amazing sentence to scream outloud on your bike. and dammit, if i could ride without holding on, i would have spread my arms... like that movie where meg ryan gets run over by a truck. except i am not meg ryan, and therefore would not be stupid enough to get run over like that. what a way to go.



i think that movie made me cry.

i got shot right in the leg... and you weren't there.
let's see. what have you missed. i am awesome and turning japanese. im taking first level japanese. its quite the step for me. i've finally decided to take a step towards something i always talked about doing in the future. but as you are surely aware, the future is now people. i am on my way to japan. and you better believe i will be just like uma thurman in kill bill. except while she is the knock-out blonde... i will have to be satisfied with being the average brunette.

i have also started down the road of whoring myself out to all the music faculty. jazz sax player. check. been there done that. jazz drummer... newest mountain to climb. what a disturbing sexual image. anyways. he's cute. we'll see. i've been duped by cute before... *cough cough* unintelligent summer boy *cough cough*

the new broken social scene album is fucking pure gold. go. listen. love. its coming its coming in hard

owning a bike in montreal is probably the best thing i've done so far in my life. besides that one time i wandered around drunk with my roomie attempting to rip phones out of phonebooths... but thats another story entirely. bike. owning a bike makes me feel like i breathe in rhythm with the city. i pedal to its heartbeat. while weaving through the city yesterday, i found myself out in the burbs pedaling alongside a railroad track... and it just went on forever and ever. i followed it as far as i could but it was getting dark and frankly i was a little worried these thighs of mine wouldn't get me home if i went much farther. but that railroad track has my number... i will ride it again. and its little things like that. i swear that life overwhelmed me yesterday on this little bike ride. the deserted tracks, the crazy graffiti, the laundry hanging in the backyards i passed, the sunset, and me on my little red bike... i can't explain this properly... but its sort of like montreal speaks french... spits english... and whispers in "bike."