graceless, we'll lose the battle.
dinner was great. your familiar smell shocked my senses. i was reassured that yes, your face still warms me. your path still amuses me. and for my part, i realized that i still seek to interest you. i still revel in those glances. the ones that calm my insecurities. seeing you again was comforting, as always. but my favourite part, you'd never guess. well, maybe you would.

we rode the subway home. i was buzzed. you wanted me to hear some songs, so you gave me your ipod. i clutched your headphones tight to my ears and we stood across from each other. leaning opposite ways. i saw you sneak that picture, you know. right before you pulled out a crossword puzzle. i listened to your music and watched you scrawl away... filling in the boxes one by one. it was so intimate. each of us in our own worlds.

a girl on the same car kept sneaking glances at us. i caught her eye. and you know what it said? it said what i imagine my own eyes say when i see a couple that makes me want to sneak glances. i recognized her eyes. and i smirked at her. i wanted my smirk to convey it all. to convey our story. to tell her that no... we weren't together. no, we didn't have the love she might have imagined for us.

but that it was ok. that it was better than ok.

we will always be a light
you can see it from the surface, see it.

movie.
you know that idea about your life being a movie... and would it be a movie you would want to watch? well... i was thinking... as i drove around my old neighbourhood tonight... in search of old landmarks, screaming along with the shins... that were my life a movie, you may have taken that drive tonight as an opportunity to take a pee... or even pop some popcorn. you may have left the room during that scene... because it didn't seem important in the least. but you know what? those are the scenes that make my movie. those are the important scenes. that is why my life... the one i will remember... would not make a good movie. because you would miss the good parts... because the good parts... the real parts... would just look so boring projected on a screen.

you told us of your new life there
you got someone comin round
gluing tinsel to your crown
he's got you talking pretty loud
you berate remember your ailing heart and your criminal eyes
you say you're still in love
if it's true what can be done
it's hard to leave all those moments behind...
~kissing the lipless

romance.
winter tiptoes in
she finds me lying alone
wide-eyed, so unsure
----------
i'm not used to this
if you don't hold me closer
i might have to go
----------
i try to want less
but its so cold in this bed
why can't i feel you?

a memory.
i was wrong. there are things that i remember. except i can't just call them up on demand... they surprise me when i least expect it. i am full of memories of you... they just hide in all the places i forget to look. i remember that night on your balcony... we went outside to watch the rain. and we kissed. kissed under the rain. and i leaned backwards over the balcony and you pressed up against me. our hair got wet and tangly... we drank each other like raindrops that night. i remember the lightning flashing behind us. i remember it as if i were watching a movie. i can almost see the two of us. wet. kissing. writhing. the storm. i see myself laughing the way i used to laugh when i knew you were staring at me... staring at me the way you used to... in what i can only think do describe as... awe. i miss the way you looked at me like that. no one has looked at me like that since. with the same disbelief.

you had me convinced. convinced that i deserved that awe.

but you didn't wanna play.
holy fuck. its 730 and i'm awake and my belly is already full with cereal. and outside my window, pounds and pounds of snow are going to make my journey to school incredibly long. fuck. why does all the motherfucking snow have to fall on my day of hell... my last exam day... my doubleheader. why? and you know what, i know the whole east coast has to deal with this snow, but i don't care. the whole east coast isn't me. and i am grumpy.

i woke up at 2 am, after having been asleep for half an hour, because my uterus was dying. cramps. i hate them. they were so bad that they woke me. and kept me awake curled in a ball for about half an hour. if the kitchen wasn't so far from my warm bed, i would have grabbed the biggest fucking knife in the house and stabbed my uterus. to kill the mutant ripping at my insides. strange how sometimes my body can feel so... not mine. how i can feel so isolated from its processes. the kicker? no matter how disconnected i am from its functions... its impossible to get away. and this is how my body makes me feel claustrophobic sometimes. now, i'm no carteisan dualist... but, sometimes... sometimes... like it was at 2 am this morning... my body is a prison.

where i belong... where i belong...

say it isn't so.
i have been humming christmas carols lately... i hate christmas carols. they are the worst. THE worst. that being said... i've found some touching indie covers of christmas carols and original christmas songs by the likes of the flaming lips and the walkmen. i'm slowly dipping my toes into the christmas spirit. the roomie set up the nativity scene last night. i fucking love nativity scenes and the baby jesus. now, this may seem strange to some of you... apparently it is strange. my love for nativity scenes yet my overall indifference to religion right now in general. but you know what? nativity scenes remind me of unpacking christmas decorations... of spending an afternoon with my mom, arranging the cattle and mary and joseph on our dining room table. nativity scenes are little and great. they make me happier than is socially acceptable.

so boston was great. travelling is always inspiring. i feel like i am bursting with new inspiration and ideas... there are post-it notes all around my desk... i bought a new notebook... yet i can't put things into words yet. maybe i'll tell you some snippits of boston soon. maybe.

and i miss the boy... perhaps more than i was expecting. but can't let him know.

soon enough, work and love'll make a man outta you.
my deep and scratchy morning voice has an incredible way of sounding amazing singing along with the constantines. sometimes, when i'm browsing my itunes for something to listen to... my only criteria is that i need to hear something that won't make me feel much. you know those times. no joanna newsom. or rilo kiley. and you can just forget the weakerthans or sufjan. and stars? hell no.

i have said it before and i will continue to say it... in fact, i should get it tattooed on my back or something... its always better to be the person who leaves. its never very fun having someone leave you. its a power dynamic. and it sucks to be the one waving goodbye to someone's back. its infinitely better to be the one taking off.

and so begins the month. i need a break. and we'll see what this month does. i am not naive enough to assume things will come back the same way.

the longest winter.
spring comes slowly to this old frame
still i'm frozen... i still live alone

in time, memories fade... senses numb
one forgets how it feels
to have loved

completely

my biznaz, my biznaz.
i have been bathing in:
- episodes of curb your enthusiasm
- pedro the lion
- eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
- almost being through this semester
- going to boston!
- finding a comfort level in this relationship. i can finally call it one now. it feels like one now. because i'm past that initial giddiness that comes from remembering what its like to have someone like you. we've moved past that. he's not just someone that i like or someone that likes me. his fuzzy profile and my fuzzy construct are taking on definite borders, features, whathaveyous. he's liam. and maybe i just defined it... that line... and once you've crossed it, you're smack dab in the middle of a relationship. maybe i'll think about this one and elaborate later.

i treated you as if you were a princess...
you treated me like a cop.
~ pedro

oh sailor, why'd you do it? what'd you do that for?
i finished my last paper today. and you know what i did immediately after? and i mean immediately... i went straight from the computer lab down to good ol' la senza and bought me some new undies. or panties. whatever tickles your fancy. i even got a cute little christmas pair. and ones that make me feel like a superhero. in red and blue. because sometimes i'm not sure if i'd rather be a red or a blue superhero. there's definitely an argument for both sides. and then... and then i went and bought some vodka. panties and vodka. two of my favourite things. and now i am drinking some spiked hot chocolate, listening to fiona apple in my new zellers nightgown.

super.