nesting
i feel like i'm brooding (not sure if this is the correct context, but i'm going with it). i drive around and my eye is constantly distracted by the junk that other people are throwing out. i see a couch or a chair or a table and for split seconds think about stopping and collecting all of this furniture. i then realize i cannot carry a couch by myself. i do not have anywhere to put a couch. so why do i do this? i've been thinking that were i to move out right now... i would have nothing. i have a bed. and some furniture that i would feel more comfortable leaving here. i don't have anything of my own. so i brood and have random urges to take everyone's trashy furniture. build a safe, cheap, nest... by myself, for myself.

i think its this way with most things right now. i'm building myself for something. i can feel it. for some challenge that i feel is just around the corner. i am trying to figure out the things/skills i will need to make it through. yes, i am slightly confused. after all, my neighbours ratty leather chair is obviously not what will get me through the challenge. but i can't help it.

so all i've actually collected is window panes. because i think they are beautiful. all of them are cream coloured but old, and paint chipped. i have 4 so i think i can call it a collection now. i must have completely freaked jeanette out when i saw 2 sitting on the side of the road... screeched... and made her shove them in the back of my van. i'm not sure why i need 4 window panes. yes, maybe my neighbours ratty leather chair would be more practical. but for some reason these window panes make me incredibly happy. yes, its illogical. but i think i'd be one of those stupid birds that would make her nest out of that pink house insulation goo. and then just when it was time to settle down, i'd realize it was toxic and not fit for a nest at all.

i make no sense. try to keep up.