your sweet voice
walking home was nice. really nice. the trees. the leaves. the moon. the sky. you two hugged. i smiled and continued walking by myself. i realized then. there was no one for me to hug, but myself. and i was ok.

haven't laughed this hard in a long time
better stop now before i start crying

ps. i had a dream last night. that told me studying women's studies was not a waste of time. that told me it was still relevant. that it was something i should pursue.

that is all.

i'm falling asleep at the wheel here.
so sometimes i think i believe in fate. in some higher power. in the great cogs and wheels of history. that maybe there really is some old woman up there playing with gadgets and ensuring everything works out how it should.

it was as if joni mitchell was there for me. not to receive her doctorate. not to talk to music students about music. just for me. to kick me in the ass. to inspire me. to blow smoke in my face. and goddammit, it worked. i think. well, it definitely helped.

ps. joni and i are the same. when she was little, in saskatchewan, she used to ride her bike out into nowhere... looking for special places. she laughed and explained that it was usually a tree or something. i used to drive in my mom's van. drive into nowhere looking for something pretty. something special. i usually found a tree or something.

hit me while i'm down. just do it.

so on top of all my emotional stress about loneliness and such (see below)... i am now getting papers back with really shitty marks. thanks guys. i appreciate it. i really do. no, its cool. i am going to quit school and star in my own reality tv show instead. i fucking deserve a reality tv show. i am at least half as smart as jessica simpson and probably a third as muscular as nick lachey. plus, my hair is at least as cool as donald trump's. and hmmm... well, im not as fat as those big fat losers... but i think that's a plus. at least in my world. im a hell of a lot cooler than that billionaire nerd who got his own show so he could make friends and fuck with people's heads. and i am so a survivor. cue beyonce.

despite this happy post, i am on a downward spiral of doom. culimating in doom. DOOM i tell you. i am losing confidence in myself, my abilities, my reason for being here. but it seems that a lot of people are having this second year crisis. so maybe im not that odd. meh. everyone else's breakdowns belittle my own.

my mom said i needed a hug.

when i grow up, i'll be stable.

tell me what you see
im also not the person you see. im sure of it. i dont have it all together. not by a longshot. im terrified of being alone. im not independent. i cant imagine living like this forever. on my own. without a family. feeling so goddamn lonely. i want to get used to this. i really do. im sure i will... what happens to all my grand plans... if im such a mess.

grown-ups live alone all the time. im not even living alone. i have 3 awesome roommates. but its different. we all have our own lives. we are a family... but its still different. we're all here by ourselves.

i am rambling all over the place here. maybe you understand, maybe you dont. ive had a good cry. so i must have got something out.

the big fight
im starting to think that im not happy. not in a "i had a bad day" sort of way. worse than that. im starting to think that all the things that have been bothering me... school, loneliness, summer nostalgia... well, its not any of those things. i think im throwing myself at fixing these tangible problems. throwing myself into school. forgetting about the loneliness. torturing myself about the summer. but im not sure this is right. i think im sad. i think i want to go home. i think im craving family. im not feeling independent. i want to be in familiar space. i cant believe i still have 2 more months until christmas break. im not sure how im going to handle it. things will get better. its just a phase. just a phase.

the newness of this place is wearing off. the happiness that comes with new things is fading. and i just need comfort.

i cant figure out why i miss the summer so much. all i did was work towards the end. but work is such a comfort. money. no time to sit and wallow in thoughts. work is immediate and fulfilling.

i once posted about how my life can be divided into periods based on my jobs. and my boston pizza period... is shining right now. and it looks so good from here. and i want back in. back in with those people, with that life. i want to work and bartend and make money. i want those friendships back. i torture myself by keeping in touch with these people. by thinking about them. by thinking about him. when does the new period start? when will i stop living in the past?

i need comfort. i need home. i just want out. it hurts so much.

robots fucking
so today i decided to be a flight attendant. i dont know how one becomes a flight attendant but i will find out. i figure it would be a good job to have for about a year. fly around a lot. never being static. travel always fascinates me. i think that kind of atmosphere would keep me interested for awhile. but i cant get the image of the sister from almost famous out of my head. and how sad she looked as a flight attendant. i mean, she was happy that she was independent and pretty and such... but it was just so sad.

maybe she's why i want to be a flight attendant.

in time, the night may soften
trust that I'm still hoping, darling


(ironandwine)

i only wish pulp was the soundtrack to my life.
you strange boy of my dreams. we cuddled and snuggled. i looked up at you. you looked down at me. we should have kissed. you knew it. i felt it. you turned away.

before our lips had even addressed each other, you said, "this doesn't mean i'm going to propose."
"i know," was my response. (but i'm not sure you understood that i wasn't expecting anything)

you turned away again.

i grabbed you with all my might and smothered you with my kiss.


but then again, i also dreamt that pamela anderson was my feminist guru. so who knows about dreams.

let's get lost
autumn. you cold, cold bitch. you burn my face with your cold, cold wind. trying to toughen me up for winter's unforgiving womb. but i keep coming back for more, autumn. you tease and you play. you blow in my face and whisper in my ears. you rose my cheeks and play in my scarf. you drop leaves around me and swirl them around my feet. you have me. and you know it too.

once your leaves turn, you won't love again.
in time, memories fade, senses numb
one forgets how it feels to have loved, completely.

-pedro the lion

autumn
autumn is sultry. classy. fresh in such a timeless way. its the audrey hepburn to spring's pamela anderson.

even the word... autumn. fall. autumn. fall. mmmmmm...

i dont think the earth is ever as apparent as it is in the fall. when its dying. so tragic and dramatic. but in that hip way. not the lame grade nine goth girl way. the ophelia way. yes, ophelia is so fall.

who doesn't want to be autumn?

your girl... she's a renegade
i'm holding my breath. and im not sure why. im trying not to feel. im listening to music that i should be turning off. the cd is almost over. i dont think i can take it anymore. i hate this feeling. i never had it with you. i never know how to make it go away. i never know what causes it. loneliness. not for anyone or anything specifically. just a really horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach. that i cant make go away. its consuming some nights.

it consumes me some nights.
it consumes some nights.
consuming nights.
some nights it consumes.
some nights it consumes me.

tell me your confessions
all it took was an interpol concert.
to make me realize that maybe you weren't the love of my life.
just maybe.
maybe there's more.
and maybe i'm excited for whats to come.

can you give me some time?
ok. here i go again. trying to untangle the string that has balled itself up in my gut. one end is attached to you in the middle. and im holding the other end. trying to weave in and out of the mess that i've wrapped you up in. half of me wants to leave the mess. and remember it as such. a big tangled up ball of string. not solved. just experienced. but the other half of me wants to dig deep and figure out your motivations and mine. and this is the me that is winning out right now.

don't worry, i will be over it in about a week. just right now, the wounds are still fresh. funny how i feel wounded. because really, in my life... i probably won't ever experience another relationship so painless. so worth it. so healing in so many ways. so easy.

so ive come to think that i agree with jeanette. sex isnt just sex. at least not for me. im not in love with him, but clearly i am attached in ways i dont understand. that maybe only my body does. and i cant separate my heart from my body. and i dont want to be able to. so its going to hurt a little bit... for a little bit of time. but i guess the important thing is... i dont regret anything. even more than that, im glad it happened... again.

and as much as it doesnt seem like it, i appreciate it for what it was. it was spontaneous. it was exciting. it was akward. it was silly. and im glad it was all those things. it was hot. ;p

or maybe i just feel guilty that it is only about the sex for me.
and maybe im scared you want more from me.
i want more from you too though. just in a different way.
maybe we're both expecting not enough... and at the same time, too much from each other.

who knows. who knows.

don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet
dont ask me why im listening to alanis morisette. it just happened ok. like farts and late night drunken poutine runs. no one said i liked it.

what took me so long?
i've never felt this healthy before
i've never wanted something rational

so many unhealthy things are going on. and i don't care. my obsessions are twisted and melded and im not sure what part of me is going which way and why or what. im not sure what my motivation is. and i think im lying to myself. its not just sex. thats the part im scared to admit. its easier if it was just the sex. and i think i was ok with that at first. but now... i think im getting greedy. and i want him to... well, i dont know what i want. why cant i be grown-up about these things? and let them happen... and stop fucking analyzing everything to death.

i dont think i am ever happy with being only one thing for someone. i want to be EVERYTHING for everyone.

no, i want you to want more than remote friendship from me. i want you to regret marrying your wife and come live out our favourite things together. i want you to be inspired by me. we'd live out all those fucking love songs. i swear we would.

i dont want to be your fuck buddy. i want you to want me for more than that. i want you to tell me that im beautiful. that you think im special. your cock cant do that.

see, i dont want either of these two people. at least not in a dating, soulmate kind of way. i just want them to want me that way. and this is where i am like a defected toy. squeeking and jerking around on the floor in retardedness. maybe my batteries are dying... but you changed those already. and im still floundering around, refusing to do anything remotely fun and interesting. so you walk away.

so how about it?
show me please how we'll look in 20 years
and let me please interpret history
in every line and scar that's painted there in front of me

it doesnt matter what im thinking
or what i tell myself to do
i end up calling