parade.
i have always been afraid of what i may become.

i used to be afraid of being gay. i remember sharing this childhood fear with my mom. it was a fear that once consumed my little head. my instincts told me that being gay would just make life harder. i was aware then... before i was aware of what being gay meant or even of what being straight meant. i knew life was going to be rough no matter what and i feared a choice/inclination that would make it harder.

i used to be afraid that my body would never catch up to my feet. that i would forever be ashamed of my shoe size. i used to be afraid that i would never grow boobs or start menstruating. it all came so slow for me.

i used to be afraid that i would not make it out of the drinking and smoking high school years. that my peers would swallow me whole. during those years, i saw a lot my peers as holding me back. i was afraid i would never meet anyone to pull me out of that world.

i used to be afraid that i would become what you insisted i was. i used to hide this fear. i now realize i could never be that. i am that. and i can never be that. all at once.

i used to be afraid that i would repeat a pattern. that i would apply what i saw to my own relationships. i'm still afraid. consciously afraid.

i used to be afraid that i would never love again. that i would spend the rest of my life chasing our relationship in different forms. i successfully overcame this fear by falling in love again. in a different love.

"who wants to fall in love just once?" i didnt. but now i'm afraid. afraid that i don't feel that way anymore. that i've lost that flippant attitude... and instead... my heart may insist on holding on to any love i can find. i'm afraid i will become someone i hate because of this.

i used to be crippled by the fear of growing up. for as long as i can remember, my biggest fear has always been growing old. even as a child, i felt the shadow of age creeping up on my young flesh. i've always felt it. i'm afraid of what i will inevitably become.