so long, marianne.
i said goodbye to one roomie tonight. its strange how one person can hold so much of my sanity. its strange how she doesn't know. how much i depend on her. of course she knows. its finally sinking in a bit. that summer is here. that i am not leaving. instead, i am being left. the good ones are leaving. leaving me. what am i doing here this summer? why did i sign up for this? this summer of loneliness? what am i doing here... without a job... without a real plan? without so many friends?

so i made this decision when i was with him. i denied it at first. then defended it later. staying in montreal to be with him was no crime. and now we are no more. but you know what? i never once questioned staying here anyways. people always tell you not to compromise for another... not to lose yourself in foolishness.

i say... fuck that. fuck that whole philosophy. everything is a risk. every choice is motivated by something or someone. whats the harm in following what feels good at the time? there aren't any corners for me right now. its all open field. i'm trying to write something here... something that conveys hope and choice and promise... but every time i try to write the words, it sounds so shitty. and preachy. so maybe you'll just have to trust that i have that big happy feeling in my chest. the kind that sort of puffs you up. sit up straight. smile a bit. look around at all the magnificent things around you. thats me.

(i wonder if i would be so content staying here if i had not met you. silly to wonder. because i have met you.


and you feel so good to be with.)

this post started with me almost in tears. feeling nostalgic and scared. funny how it ended with a completely different sentiment.