random
- sometimes its nice to tell your thoughts to someone new. because they don't know you. because they aren't bored of you yet. because to them, you are still someone to figure out. i like new people. i like having to show myself to someone starting from scratch. its a nice feeling sometimes. i like watching them build an image of me. and i like doing the same to them.

- i like the cafe. just after everyone leaves. and i am left with the mess. i like cranking up some tunes (lol) and just mopping. getting completely absorbed in something so menial. only on saturday nights do i like this. i enjoy the empty space. all to myself. i like thinking. and dancing. and singing. and occassionally thinking that i hear a noise and spinning around really fast expecting to find a masked man/be-headed ghost/woman in white/litter of puppies. i like it a lot.

- i should sleep. now. i have to wake up soon and go back to a bustling cafe.

- i want to run away somewhere. somewhere safe. and comforting. and i don't want anyone to worry about me. it will be casual. and easy. retreat-like.

- why the hell is speed 2 on citytv right now? and why am i watching it? madonna.

(under the influence of rum n cokes...)
i think i've mentioned this before... but i feel the need to mention it again. when in god's name did i enter "womanhood"? seriously guys... what the fuck. when did it become ok for men to tell me that i have sex appeal? when was it not completely creepy for people to tell me that i'm a "beautiful woman"? when did the word "woman" somehow become attached to me... unable to shake off... even.. *gasp* a big part of me. yea, girl was always there... but woman!?!? my god. i'm scared. it seems that i spun around and all of a sudden i had become a woman. there was no right of passage... there was no special ceremony. i wanted one dammit. it seemed i became a woman in everyone else's eyes... and that is how it is judged. once men started looking at me... once people started using the dreaded word around me... then it was decided. i was a woman. but where was my say? where was my special right of passage? it was definitely not my period. that simply happened to my body. i was a girl whose body had suddenly done something womanly. but that was it. it did not change me profoundly. i carried on without almost a second thought to it. i don't know what i'm saying here... but i know that i missed something. and i want it back. i want a fucking "welcome to womanhood" ceremony. i want to dance naked under the moon with other women. lol. i want to know what the hell "womanhood" is. i think that's why lately i've had this undeniable craving for older women friends. i'm sure there's some secret to this woman thing... some vital piece to the puzzle that i'm missing.

puppies and tea
shalto (my 33 year old friend... who makes jokes about my bum. isn't it weird how i am now old enough for a 33 year old to tease me about my bum? i better end these brackets before this becomes a separate post) got a puppy and brought it into work today! it was the cutest thing ever. a rottweiler (sp?) i believe. she played around with rocks and jumped on my lap and attacked me. i fell in love. screw boys. little puppies are where its at. lol. kidding.

AND. trevor (who i just found out works for ontario hydro and reads MY metre... will now be known as "trevor the metre reading guy") brought me jasmine tea today. apparently he talked to jeff and jeff told him i wasn't feeling well. he thought that meant physically, so he drove to the cafe to bring me jasmine tea. ok, he was on his way to jeff's house anyways... but still. he took the time to make me tea (ok, not exactly the hardest thing ever) and put it in a fancy mug... and it just made me so happy. and the tea was also kick ass straight from thailand. lol. so i told him he moves up in the friendship ranks.

i heart my new friends.

jeff told me that the ability to cry is something that proves you are really in touch with yourself. i smiled and nodded... realizing he had never had the ability to cry. because if he had... he would know. he would know that crying is only the effect of a complete inability to be in touch with yourself. crying is what happens when you can't do anything else. crying is feeling helpless and out of touch.

i feel like i'm caught in a big tornado. a twisty wind that swirls and swirls and lifts my skirt... blows my hair so that no matter how much i struggle, i will never see clearly out of the mass of me. i am dizzy. i can't explain myself. but it's been this way for awhile. there's so much going on. i have to be so many different people these days. there's so much unsettled. there's so much to settle. there are things to lose and gain and break. there are things to be done. there are decisions to make. there are people to walk on glass around. everyone expects me to have an answer. and i can't give them one. what will happen? will you forget me? where will you go? what will you do? what will we do? WHO WILL YOU BE?

i ask myself the same questions.
i cry.
so out of touch with myself these days.
i cry more than ever.
i have stopped trying not to cry.
i forget how.

goddammit get me out of my head.

accepted
on my way to work on saturday, i passed two young boys holding signs and jumping up and down frantically on the side of a country road... ok, a stretch of road that reminds me of a country road. lol. either way, as i approached them in my car i was worried that they were going to jump me and preach their baptist views in through my window... or they were going to make me feel bad for not stopping to buy lemonade. both bad. lol. but as i got closer, i noticed they were simply holding signs that said, "go leafs go!" and were trying to get cars to honk. i passed and honked as loudly as i could and watched in my rearview mirror as their fists went up in triumph. they laughed and cheered as i giggled to myself in my car.

yesterday i felt like those boys. and i somehow felt like the world was giggling at me.

sometimes:
- i don't think i'm a good friend. i see people that i need... and that i think need me... but i don't have time. i make a quick smile. a hurried hug. i hope it conveys the messages i feel. i hope they get the "i need you" or the "whatever you're feeling... i have felt a version of it" or even the... "please take me out tonight and just tell me everything on your mind." is this how it starts? how the growing up and moving on begins... with hurried hugs that seem to just miss the mark.

- i wonder when i started to inspect my body.

- the only thing that makes me happy is thoughts of moving out and the idea of planning an escape route. i always liked planning. following through is a shitload harder.

- i just want a good game of pick-up soccer.

- saturdays feel like sundays and somehow all the usual sunday feelings get transferred over.

- i want life to be like a book i'm reading. and it hurts so much when it isn't.

- i read my post and realize it sounds a lot sadder than i meant it to.

i'm in the mood for a really kick ass compliment.

i don't know what is worse
and i can't tell what is the best

i am sick of judging my days as good or bad based on how much homework i get done.

yesterday i got some time to breathe. i sat on my sun-warmed porch in my pjs. i felt the freckles on my face emerging. i rolled up the legs on my pants to feel the spring sun touch my skin. a relationship i missed. that wasn't enough. i rolled my sleeves up. i bared my stomach. i wish i could have stripped down and just sat there. not to tan. just to be caressed. it just felt nice. right to my core. i was warm. and i wasn't sad or worried or even thinking much. my skin misses summer more than any other part of me i think.

"the hostel night manager went out and found me rolling around in the grass with a bottle of whisky, screaming. when he asked me what i was doing i said i was a bagpipe."

my uber trendy new pick-up line:
"quarantine me baby."

(rowr... purr... kiss kiss, bang bang)

early in the morning
rising to the street/light me up that cigarette/and i'll strap shoes on my feet

i don't think you ever really grow up. you just get used to playing grown-up. i mean... when you're young, you wear your parents clothes... fool around with make-up and jewellry and high heels (yes, that would be me... perhaps not all of you)... and you pretend to be big and do grown-up things. i think i remember making a shopping list while dressed as a grown-up. lol. and then you get older and you do things where people expect you to act "big" when you're there. quiet places, visiting, even school. everyone always tells you to act big... or be a big girl (or boy). so you act like a grown-up when it is required. and then you get older... your grown-up act gets refined as more and more acting is necessary. bad things start happening. funerals, real problems, jobs, decisions... so the grown-up act takes over even more of your time. but i still think its a suit that we step into. i think some people forget that. forget that being "grown-up" really is just an act. really is just something we need to do sometimes. i think people get used to playing grown-up and forget what's under their suit. under it all... we're still playing. we're still kids. still wearing the high heels and giggling as we do "grown-up" things. well, i know i am. i don't want to forget. i hope i get to take this grown-up suit off as much as possible. i hope i don't forget that its just a suit. necessary sometimes... yes. but i don't want to become the suit. maybe i'll just make sure my suit stays 10 sizes too big, my shoes stay floppy on my feet, my necklaces dangle to the floor, and 3 shades of lipstick smear my face.

did that make sense to anyone?

i always liked the idea of being able to "flush" a sickness out...
as if my body was some sort of septic tank
anything i didn't like could simply be flushed out...
drugs, feelings, a cold...
flush, flush, and flush.
thank you very much and please wash your hands before returning to work.