and so it all comes to an end...
this is all i can think of to say right now...
(and they're not even my own words)

just a perfect day
you made me forget myself
i thought i was someone else,
someone good

oh, it's such a perfect day
i'm glad i spent it with you
oh, such a perfect day
you just keep me hanging on

- lou reed

she's just a fortunate fool.
so this damn sore throat won't go away. i just can't kick it. perhaps its re-emergence has something to do with tuesday night's debauchery. perhaps. tuesday's... let's call it... indulgence... in... let's say... giggle water is also responsible for the bruise on my face and the scrape on my ass. although, if you ask me... i clearly don't remember what happened. no pain, no gain, right? lol.

i had a summer first today. me and the hot dame jeanette were walking around doing some errands and we got squirted with water guns by these hot ninja brad pitt look-a-likes. I SWEAR. nah. there was one gun, two average boys. but the water was real. and it felt like summer.

you're the one that i want
i want friday to be here. specifically, friday at 5PM. that is what i want. i want the leafs to win tonight and i want to lose 4 pounds. i want to have muscular arms so that you will look at me and know that i can kick your ass. i want to feel pretty every day, not just occasionally. i want bigger lips. luscious. i want it to be ok to be self-absorbed. i want to learn more history. canadian history. i want to learn ireland's history too. i want to be a better painter. i want a lomo and i want a digital camera. i want more black and white pictures. i want a nice sunset and a full moon. i want to stop drinking to thepointofnoreturn. i want my nipple to stop being itchy. damn nipple. i want tattoos. i think i want to marry a race car driver. and be his trophy wife. and spray champagne on each other like they do after races.

mmmm... champagne.

the slur of wayward words
and the softness of a muffled melody
roams through my radiator
gently warming
my cold bed.

the countryside is overgrown
first. i had a feel of home today. just an imaginary taste. not a memory, or a specific place... just a feeling of comfort rushed over me. and i felt home. the familiarity. i felt my place there. comfort in knowing its still there. and i am dreadfully looking forward to wrapping myself up in its blankets for awhile. i miss scarborough. and the corner movie store where the woman knows our family so well. yet, she has trouble recognizing me from one day to the next. she always tells me how different i look each time i walk in the door. i think i like that about her.

second. i think it has been awhile since i have had a captive audience. someone genuinely interested and intrigued with what i had to say. the kind of attention that it seems we give each other so little of. maybe i haven't been giving anyone that kind of genuine attention in awhile either.

third. my headache won't go away. and i dont think i can take many more days of this tormenting pounding intense hurting distracting tiresome consuming... you get the picture.

da works

quit it
ok, i know soulseek is for sharing music. and i'm all about that. i get really pissed off when i find someone who doesn't share anything, but downloads from me. that being said... i have a problem with someone who literally is downloading my WHOLE library (40 albums so far). so i slowed his transfers down... cos im a bitch. but he keeps going. and i dont have the heart to cut him off... because well, my anger isnt really justified. its just that im sure he could find the wrens album from someone else. or thrice. or ANYTHING i have. grrr.

more health news brought to you by the letter: SUCK
so out of nowhere last night... a raging fever struck yours truly. and i became delirious and sore all over. so i decided to have a bath in the dirty tub that no one uses (mistake #1). before my bath, i had a conversation with velina... in which she worriedly told me how hot i felt... and i spent most of the time trying to make her head stop spinning (or was it my head?). i then proceeded to burn my entire body in my scalding bath (mistake #2). so much so that i woke up with a tender pinkish glow today (upside: everyone thought i was tanned). after my bath, i stumbled into bed attempting to remain conscious. i lay in bed wondering if i would slip into a fever-induced coma. i fell asleep hoping that someone would check on me in the morning. i went to bed with layers and layers and hats and mitts. i woke up in a cold sweat at around 3am... feeling as if i had defeated mr. fever (yes, it was definitely male. no bitch would be that cruel). and while he is pretty much gone... i went through today with a raging headache and sore muscles. the end.

my new monicker... courtesy of ugly casanova
i lay down with the southern range.
swallows drop in and dash the sky,
tracing lines of cursive on the horizon.
my heart's stopped pumpin' but my blood is still alive...
cutting cat faces in the pines.

so my diarrhea seems to finally be under control. which is cool. cos i don't like feeling like i have no sphincter. *smiles* thanks for stopping by everyone. *waves* my poo is solid again!

because i like lists
today's grandious plans:
- eat lunch.
- head down to the health centre to demand the drugs
- with drugs in tow, head to second cup to do some good ol' fashioned stizzudying
- dinner
- BIG GAME SEVEN BABY. lol

and that is my exciting day. of course, there will be some filler time where i will chase random dogs around, steal babies, learn to ride a unicycle on a tightrope, and invent a new currency. but who really cares about any of that.

back when you became attracted
to springcoils in this mattress
i was slow to respond
- the cansecos

a blog about health
my birth control pills changed their packaging from a pale greeny turquoise colour... to a sleek black. and all of a sudden i feel more mysterious and dangerous. i feel more like a secret agent with some special package or badge... not a girl mucking around with her biology. i think they are trying to get rid of the guilt. thanks boys, for making birth control pills cool again. i still struggle between feeling empowered and guilty every time i take one. but this black packaging sure swayed me over to the empowered side.

is it bad when even i can't tell if im being sarcastic or not?

so these vitamin c halls. it says that i can't exceed more than 2 per day. i'm wondering if this is simply because of the vitamin c content. cos yesterday i finished a whole pack of regular halls. i'm pretty sure you can down as many of those as you need. right? either way... what's the harm in taking more than 2 of these vitamin c halls... is an excess of vitamin c really gonna fuck me up more than anything else? hmmm... death by vitamin c. i'll just pretend i didn't read the packaging.

je n'aime pas le francais. je ne veux pas lire les textes pour mon examen. merde, je ne vais pas le passer. mais... je dois partir... le francais m'attend...

he's badly built and he walks on stilts
i am procrastinating studying for my french exam. i think i might fail it anyways... and i really don't know how to study for an oral exam. its rainy here and i went for brunch at beauty's. its a really cute little jewish luncheonette. montreal bagels, good coffee, and prompt re-fills. i like that in a place. i came home soaked but happy. i threw on some johnny cash... now i'm going the bob dylan route. on the way home, we found the poshest, cutest vintage store. they had a ceramic clock shaped like a bowling bag for $10. o how i wanted the money to buy it. the clerk looked like she stepped out of an old movie. the store made me nostalgic for the 20s. a decade i never lived. nostalgia is weird like that. i think rainy days inspire time wastage.

i was thinking we could go and live in a monastery
i am really liking the phrase... "lay down the law." i mean, its just nice. i'm gonna lay down the law. it envokes sheriffs and badges and trashy women in saloons. just the word "saloon" is great. i should have been born a trashy woman in a saloon. you know, straight outta the womb... right onto the bar.

i think i also should have been born a crocodile hunter. my parents should have stayed in Australia and moved out into the badlands (hahaha) to start a family of crocodile hunters. huntin' crocs. i would look so sweet in croc huntin' attire.

sometimes i think i also should have been born with a really wicked voice. so i could sing to someone. just one person.

if you had a second clitoris, where on your body would u put it?

i must confess that when i was around 8... i idolized models. i used to watch fashiontelevision with jeannie becker. and i used to stare with that glazed over little girl fascination... at these tall, beautiful women prancing around. being loved because they were beautiful. that was enough for me. i was fascinated with these models. and i like to think that i was pretty innocent about it all. i hope that i didn't look at them wanting to be them because their bodies fit the right mold. i hope that i looked at them and only innocently wanted a little of what they had... other people's attention. i don't remember ever comparing myself to them... or even wanting to be them specifically. i think i just wanted to grow up to be fascinating.

i am:
- bleeding and crampy
- feeling horny despite my obvious hindrance
- wearing velour pants. meow. o yes. its as hot as it sounds.
- looking at the ikea site... planning my room for next year like a big ol' dork
- listening to itunes on shuffle... last five songs... the beatles - octopus' garden, the dears - there is no such thing as love, the sounds - seven days a week, the sea and cake - i missed the glance, and modest mouse - life like weeds
- proud of myself for getting a lot accomplished today... second cup alone for a couple hours working, kickboxing, and then more working
- deserving the rest of the night off
- resisting temptations
- in a really good mood... have been all day... its nice
- looking forward to summer in toronto
- dying with anticipation for tomorrow's game. GO LEAFS GO.
- thinking i might pour myself a drinkie... mmmm... i spot some bailey's.
- deciding that i want to have bailey's around always... beside my desk... forever. lol.
- going... going... gone. (for some reason, that line reminds me of kites)

have you fed the fish?
so instead of studying... i followed a pop-up and took an IQ test. it told me i was a visionary philosopher. i find this funny. i am currently day-dreaming around studying... being idealistic with my time management... taking stupid internet tests. and then they go and label me a visionary. now i have an excuse to be idealistic. "but mom, this IQ test on the internet told me i was a visionary... what use do us visionaries have for things like university?" or... "mom, you just don't understand. i'm a VISIONARY!" i think they should just give us visionaries our diplomas right away.

ha. visionary. me.
you won't let those robots eat me

i thought i had found the one
so i'm just surfing around. tired and angry that i am so tired yet can't sleep. when i come across a website about some girl planning her wedding. and man... i just can't relate. she is talking about taste testing cakes (people actually do that? i guess it makes sense. i just never... iunno. shut up.), posting pictures of her garter belts (yes, beltS. apparantly, you need a special "toss garter"), sneaking peaks at her registry ("its like opening your gifts before christmas"), and not being able to wait to wear her beautiful wedding band.

man. i don't want a wedding like that. i love how she is super eager to wear her wedding band. never mind the whole life-long commitment partner husband thing. its all about the BLING BLING baby. and the presents. can't forget that registry. (sidenote = people need to get registered at funner places)

what ever happened to the good old days when women were married off and the husband was the one who got the big 'ol dowry? when marriages were business transactions. there was no love involved then. what happened to people marrying for the good of their family? for the lineage? so that the girl's parents would be able to eat the food the butcher's son could promise. people. have we forgotten our roots? have we lost the point of marriage? i think so. now its wrapped up in buying more shit. like a million different plates and tea pots and spoons. SPOONS. and love. geeze. no wonder the divorce rate is sky-high. no one needs each other anymore. not the way they used to. marriage used to be necessary for survival. now its just another way to score free presents and to add drama to your life. o and its disguised as, "a way to tell the world you love each other."

god. if i wasn't so much of a romantic, i would completely want to shit on marriage. but that last bit always gets me. the standing infront of all your friends and family bit. the moment that belongs to the two of you... and everyone there to acknowledge it. a moment to celebrate love and everything good. as fleeting and buried underneath everything else that it sometimes seems to be. dammit. it always gets me.

i think i need a slap in the face today. just something to get my blood flowing again. something to remind me of my own matter. i feel like such a boring heap of pms and moodiness. meh. i'm gonna go dive into leonard cohen's head (i added a new quote to the sidebar).

let's take it further
remind me of my body
pulsing and bloody

here comes the story of a hurricane
- some stupid cunt on my floor stole my face cream. YES. my face cream. my brand new 12 dollar jar of oil of olay. i left it in the bathroom for 2 minutes and poof. its gone. and i know it was her. i am going to flog her with a mallot. and an axe. and then i will pistol whip her. until her face falls off.

- on thursday i tied a ribbon around my wrist. i feel like i should think of something that it is supposed to remind me of.

- i am obviously uninspired to write anything anymore. but i did have a dream about a painting. so i'm thinkin that's a sign for me to paint it. but i don't think i really liked it. it started out good in my dream... and then for some reason i painted a giant man just off-centre... and he was hideous.

- do u ever just want to leave? to get on a bus with a small knapsack with one change of clothes? to decide a destination later? to bring some books and some music and a notebook or two... and just leave. leave a note on your door that tells people nothing. i have been fighting this irresistable urge for about a week now. mind you, reality eventually does sink in. where would i stay? i have no money. what would i do? etc.etc. but still. i think i wish i was the kind of person that could hop on buses and trains and planes. and... well... stop asking the questions i don't have answers to. or... keep asking them and stop caring that i don't have answers. possibly i think that i am the kind of person who could hop on buses and planes and trains. possibly. and possibly it scares me. scares me into stopping myself.

- does anyone else feel that adventure is dead? its been lost in the tourist industry... and possibly hollywood. i don't want to have a vacation or a hollywood screenplay. i just want... inbetween days... full notebooks... a head filled with something besides coursepacks... to feel lost... to leave things and return to them differently... i want to forget and remember... damn this restlessness with a lack of motivation and money. and courage.

haiku about bad freestylers
out my window i
can hear someone freestyling
and its really bad

outsmarted
dicking around is so much more fun when you really should be doing something. when there's nothing to do... dicking around is just boring. but when there's a paper to be written... o man. dicking around is the new black.

your eyes bursting in flames
- i went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. jim carrey did a really good job being... well, tormented, geeky, introverted... all that good stuff. i almost didn't catch glimpses of the same guy who played the mask and ace ventura. almost. but even those glimpses kinda suited the character. my eyes were watery for a good portion of the movie. i urge anyone who has memories to go watch this movie. especially romantic ones. tender ones. difficult ones.

- its my sister's bday today. she's 17.

- i picked all my courses for next year. am i putting too much on my plate? a lot of people seem to think so. we'll see i guess. and while it is all very flexible still, as it stands now... i am an english lit and women's studies double major... with an art history minor. hm. although i'm seriously considering bumping the english to a minor. decisions decisions.

- i am going to go on a little tangent here to myself. sam, please do not forget why you are here. please keep your head on straight and your feet in the mud. don't let other people's plans and agendas get in the way of what you are doing. don't feel like your plans aren't good enough. they are yours, no one else's. you have always been stubborn... please stay that way. you, more than anyone else, knows what is best for you.