bob dylan and boobs.
i downloaded a ton of nick cave... and all i can bring myself to put on is old bob dylan.

funny how inconsequential my academic life is with regards to my mood. this semester, when i am perhaps the least busy i have been in my godknowshowmanyyears of school... and i feel just as content. perhaps more so. i don't need academic success. i don't need to be producing papers, researching, reading course packs... to feel good. i know this is a simple observation... and may seem like it is a universal truth... but i'm not so sure it is. for me, it is reassuring. reassuring that when my life as a full-time student comes to its inevitable end... i won't be at a loss. as long as i am doing other things.

tonight i was photographed for a friend's project... its such a strange thing to have someone in front of you with a camera... you feel like you need to produce something special for them. and then you realize, that you can't. you can only stand there. as yourself. you can move how they want... you can attempt to aestheticize your parts and glances... but when it comes down to it... you have a limited toolbox, so to speak. and for me... i perhaps struggle to perform for cameras. for her, i hope she gets what she needed out of the shoot... for me... i pushed some more boundaries. and they were easier to break than even i expected. and i reflected on my body and my own feelings of sexy, etc. and i think... i liked the setting. i liked her idea. it was simple. feminine. it was my body. my body as i feminize it. i hope my "performance" was good enough for her. is it silly to be self-conscious about that? photography is crazy i tell you.