elevator
i walk into the pawn shop pretending that i'm walking into a brighter place. a place that wasn't meant for discarded memories and people desperate to sell anything they can. i squeeze the ring in my palm. i want one last feel. i can't bear to slip it back on my finger, so this will have to do. i do my usual lingering before actually going up to the counter. i pretend i always hawk my old things. my memories. i place the ring on the counter and cant look the man in the eyes. i fear that one glance will reveal my whole story to him. he will see me as a child running through the grass, and he'll see me crying in the high school bathroom stall. if he looks hard he might just see that night i walked away. im afraid of looking at him looking at me. im afraid i might have to see myself. so i wait while he examines the piece of metal. i look at my ripped up shoes and know that any money i get won't be put towards new ones. i grip my cigarette pack through my jacket. he puts some cash on the table and i know its enough. i walk out of the door and the little bell rings again. i squeeze the cash in my palm and light my cigarette.

how pissy do i get when im sobering up
i know its only a quarter to midnight... and yes, i am sober. but this is what happens when you get drunk at 5. and everyone is pissing the fuck out of me. everyone is drunk or mean. and maybe my vision is hazy from the dormant alcohol still coursing through my veins. but wow. its like i am wearing special glasses that allow me to see how stupid everyone is being. karl isn't charming. he's flirty and annoying. matt isn't witty. he's tall and loud. and i look around and no one else is noticing. argh. im a bitch.

on a brighter note... i bought my ticket for the ted leo show and i also ended up buying the "stars" album. no, i couldn't just walk to the counter and purchase my cheap, ten dollar ticket. i had to linger around and also buy the 17.99 cd. i am such a smart shopper.

this is not meant to mock the 830ers
i have become so accustomed to waking up just before noon. and i love it. my room is warm from the sun, and orange-tinged because of my curtains. my blankets are warm and poofy. i curl up and take my time waking up. i have never been allowed to wake up slowly for school... i take my time getting ready... i'm lazy. i listen to good music (fiona apple) and i check the weather (today isn't a two pair of pants day!!! whoop). sometimes i even read. i love not waking up to the hideous radio which is always playing the exact song i don't want to wake up to (ie. drops of jupiter). i love not having my first feeling of the day be anger. i love drifting out of my dreams and into reality. so that sometimes its even unclear if i am awake at all.

today's going to be good.

if i could sleep forever...
- i am feeling very much in love. i will spare you the girlish details... but just know thats how i feel.
- i am starting to stress over my major... o gawd. major.
- i need to develop a camera from new years and the likes
- i booked my trains home for spring break (the telephone operator booking man was mean and i wanted to reach into the phone and poke his eyes out)
- i am obsessed with drawing seahorses and cherries
- i want to cut my hair even shorter
- i am reading the "tao te ching"
- i am listening to a lot of "the wrens" and "neutral milk hotel"
- i need to buy more black yarn so i can finish my halter top
- my ass is sore from kickboxing last night
- it is a balmy -14C here in montreal. BALMY compared to the -35C
- i left my keys in my door

let me fall out the window
with confetti in my hair
deal out jacks or better

on a blanket by the stairs

i'll tell you all my secrets
but i lie about my past
so send me off to bed forever more
- tom waits

talkin' bear mountain picnic massacre blues
"that old ship sinkin' down in the water,
six thousand people tryin' t' kill each other,
dogs a-barkin', cats a-meowin',
women screamin', fists a-flyin', babies cryin',
cops a-comin', me a-runnin'.
maybe we just better call off the picnic."

between love and hate
some days i just wish i was somewhere else. not a different city or university or body or anything. ok, well sometimes a different body. but, i just wish somehow the place where i am... was slightly different. subtle ways. i dont know. i make no sense.

i got distracted by the idea of having a different body. dont get me wrong. i love my body as much as i can right now. take that as you will. i love certain parts, ive come to love more and more... not sure if i like it as a whole yet. and i know theres something wrong with piecing apart my body. but im not immune to the rest of society. while i try, its impossible to escape the... well, the everything. sometimes i fall into the guilty pleasure of sitting around with other girls and picking apart our bodies. it is a guilty pleasure. the worst guilt. the sickest pleasure. maybe criticizing my body is one way i try to negotiate with it. try to get used to it. its silly how i should have to try to get used to a body that i have had for my whole life. ok, parts have grown and changed... but something about this idea of negotiating with MY BODY... it is pretty messed.

some days i want to be voluptuous. i want to have a belly and i want to shake my booty. i look at other girls and how they carry their bodies... i want to emulate some of what i see. and then other days... i want to lose the belly, sweat off the booty... and be thinner. something about thin people... the same way smokers seem oddly attractive. something sickly about it. its the whole dark poet thing. iunno. and other days still, i want to lift weights and get stronger. someone shut me up.

i wish my body felt more like me.

i also find it really weird the way skin isnt as sensitive as i thought. when i bend my elbow my skin doesnt feel the touching that happens. my skin doesnt feel itself touching itself. at least not very strongly. its tripping me out.

haiku while i listen to pedro the lion and study chinese history
sometimes i wonder
will you ever just "get me"
do i want you to?

long december
its sad when an episode of friends can bring you down so. it was the one where ross and rachel break up in the third season. o man.

she's well aware
i know i should be posting about an amazing roadtrip and visit... but im not in the mood right now. maybe tomorrow will be more conducive for that kind of writing.

right now, i feel rather shitty. i should be getting my period tomorrow or the next day. and im not sure if this is partially to blame. well, not to blame... but it may be why i am feeling off. i feel on the brink of tears... but they wont come. theres no real reason to be upset. i just feel crappy. i dont want to do my homework that is due tomorrow. i dont want to go socialize. i dont want to sleep yet.

- i wish i didnt take these birth control pills. they are starting to make me feel too regulated. too... controlled. science. men. white suits. im dramatic and a feminist. deal with it.
- i wish i could see the moon
- i wish my room wasnt so bloody hot
- i also wish it wasnt so fucking messy
- i wish i had some chocolate
- i dont want to be at school anymore. spring break seems so far. there is so much to do between now and then. and i dont want to do any of it.
- i am lacking in motivation and self-esteem
- i am feeling like perhaps i have no idea what i want to major in... what i want to do. maybe i never felt like a writer. maybe i forced this idea into my head that i wanted to write. maybe thats not what i want to do.
- maybe i dont want to be an intellectual. maybe i want to learn a trade or something. and do. instead of play this intellectual game. who knows what. who knows more. who can write better. who can quote. who is cooler. and why does it matter anyways? where does that leave me when i find myself surrounded by people who beat me at anything. in the game that doesnt count. the game that shouldnt be a game. but i cant get the fucking scoreboard out of my head.
- the tears come

this boy is exhausted.

when its cold outside...
i feel like putting on a dress and my only pair of stilettos and perhaps some red lipstick... and screaming along to pretty girls make graves. not the smiths song. and then i feel like beating the shit out of some sort of inanimate object. like a couch. or a fork.

or maybe ill just put on the dress and stilettos and play scrabble with my floormates and get fucking trashed off of amaretto or lemoncello... or something equally classy. while listening to pulp's "disco 2000." yes. disco 2000 is perfect right now.

when i came 'round to call, you didn't notice me at all

random names that make me want to immediately trust the bearers of them
1. noah
2. hunter
3. anna... also hannah (except when the image of the s club 7 hannah sneaks its way into my head)

random names that immediately invoke a sense of distrust
1. jessica
2. justin
3. jennifer
4. carl

karaoke bar haiku
"whore" is what they say
as you prance around smiling
thinking "they want me"

memories
after having spent a great deal of time on a couple of people's websites... reading about and viewing pieces of their well documented lives and families and memories... i have been swimming amongst a few thoughts.

one. i am turning twenty in less than a month. i have just begun to realize what kind of meaning this has for me. i know, age is irrelevant and manmade blah blah blah and based on time, my nemesis. BUT, because we live in a world of manmade and time... turning 20 has some sort of ingrained meaning to me. i am supposed to be cool by now. lol. i am supposed to be writing and making art... and well, i dont exactly know. but i know that it feels like im not doing "this." but then, other days it does. maybe what im trying to say is... this age jump is the first one that i dont really want to make. because it seems like the rest of the years might just fall into place too quickly after this one.

memories. "strange how when you're young you have no memories. then one day you wake up and, boom, memories overpower all else in your life, forever making the present moment seem sad and unable to compete with a glorious past that now has a life of its own." (polaroids from the dead - douglas coupland) this... this makes me incredibly sad.

babies. there was a young woman the other day... she had dreaded hair, tattoos, piercings, big chunky boots... and a rounded stomach with a growing child inside. in the pictures of a random internet person's life... there were a couple of a man throwing his baby up in the air with the fall leaves in the background... and both these images... made me smile. not a maternal instinct smile by any means. but, i think i am starting to see why people decide to procreate... its just a start, but still. also, i will forever be in awe of how awesome pregnant women are.

sometimes i think i should have been born a man. because i sometimes think i see women through the eyes of someone who is not a woman... if that makes any sense. i look at women as if they are completely different from myself. and maybe, as i explore gender more and more, there is no commonality among women. but i hope i don't always feel like im an outsider looking in. i see so much beauty and awesomeness on the inside... and so i keep standing on my tiptoes and peaking over the ledge. hoping someone will invite me inside.

in the same coupland book i quoted above, coupland describes a character looking at himself in the mirror and seeing a past in his face. and i think i want that... i want a past... i think it is the way people wear their pasts that intrigues me. this is something i am just starting to realize. i think this ties in with my fascination with women.

well, my brain hurts from all this thinking... im going to lie down and hopefully drift off... how i love the drifting sleep.

10 ADDICTIONS
1. maybelline wet shine nailpolish in "succulent" (2 coats)
2. amaretto sours
3. sleep (this counts. trust me)
4. some have begun to tell me that i am addicted to piercings... not sure i agree
5. douglas coupland and tom robbins
6. drinking out of my dollar store brandy snifter glass
7. nag champa incense
8. my super duper warm new boots (because its so cold outside that my fucking snot freezes in my fucking nose. trust me, its possible.)
9. the phrase "panty slut"
10. the oc

semester numero 2
i can't complain about my schedule. actually, i will BRAG about it... i dont ever start before 1230... and i never end after 4. mwhahaha. i love it. and i finally got my first semester marks. sometimes i wish i was a science student... simply because it is far more plausible to get As in science. it feels like its harder to get As in essay courses. especially in hard essay courses. but anyways, my marks were good and the credits are in. wahoo.

my floor had wednesday night wine last night... it was loverly as always. also had a really nice chat with katums. sometimes i wish i was a boy so that i could kiss her and she would be happy. not that she needs a boy or anything... its just that if i kissed her now, she wouldn't like it as much as if i was a boy. so i wish i was a boy for that purpose. i told her that if i was a boy, i would date her. she laughed, thanked me, took a moment, and then told me that she would date me too if she was a boy. and sometimes its nice to hear that. especially from people like kate.

recently played
the white stripes - now mary
the unicorns - ready to die
the dears - we can have it
joel plaskett emergency - true patriot love
belle and sebastian - asleep on a sunbeam

jump on the bandwagon
on the news tonight
love is dying out real fast
sex is the new black

last one... i pinkie swear
im not sure why i have such an urge for her to like me... really like me (im not talking about suzie this time). i know she likes me just fine... and that should be enough. i mean, ive never made an overt effort to be best pals or anything. i never wanted that actually. but something about her... something about the kind of person she represents... makes me sad that she doesnt love me. that we dont have some sort of smashing relationship. that she doesnt think im smart and talented and all that jazz. that she doesnt want to know me better... and i know this is unfair. because i dont think i have ever made an effort to let her in. and im not sure why this is a big deal right now. it really isnt. but sometimes i wish that they would talk about me. and she would write stories about me. and she could reaffirm for him the things that he already knows. because from her... i think it would mean a lot. and the fact that i feel like she doesnt affirm these things... like she doesnt talk about me or think about me the way i want her to... like i could be improved upon... and maybe this is all in my head. but i really dont think it is. and maybe i cant blame her.

one final reflection (right)
2003 was a really good year for me. and because i like lists... i will make another one. (just so you know, this is the first time since holidays began that i have been alone with my computer... and this has gotten me excited in ways i imagine conjugal visits excite the criminals. this is why i am posting so much and thinking even more)

why 2003 was a panty-slut of a year...
- i turned 19
- i finished high school
- valentine's day (how teenager of us!)... and every single time that followed
- i moved out... and spent a wonderful summer in downtown t.o.
- i learned a lot about living with people... and being lonely and homesick
- the black-out... the amazing energy that comes out of people when the power goes out.
- "sarsfest" even though i fucking hate that term. ac/dc rocked my tits off.
- i got into mcgill and had the balls to go
- i realized that you can't get away from high school... and when it comes to the friends that i've made there, i really hope they won't let me get away.
- i am beginning to learn that my life isn't a book that i am writing... even though i would like it to be. it is something i'm living... and maybe my life isnt the book i would want to read, maybe im not the character i would write... but maybe that's ok. maybe my obsessions with characters and plots and everything i want to be... is silly and i should live the book, not try to write it. (this makes a lot of sense in my head. trust me.)
- i have learned that leaving a place really makes you appreciate the place you left... and sometimes makes you question why you left. but the way the new place transforms the old place for you and makes it more special and more meaningful... well, thats reason enough. it makes me want to leave more places in order to gain more meaning and more perspective.
- i am starting to get tired and could probably go on forever. 2003 taught me a lot. it was love and independence and happiness. it was a year of firsts and movement. it was all movement, actually. the waiting finally stopped and all the things i was waiting for began rushing over me... and its weird. its all happening.

a short tribute to shakespeare
for some reason i was thinking about shakespeare on the train ride home. i was thinking about how much i enjoyed the plays that i have read by him. and i pinpointed the exact reason. in every one of his plays that i have read (ie. most notably hamlet and romeo and juliet) there is a part at the end that allows this retrospective view on the whole story. and you just sort of are forced to stop and realize everything that happened. and it all hits you at once. all the emotions and the characters and the intricacy of the plot. how fated everything was and how close it could have been to being something better. this moment where you put down the book and just sort of have to think about it all, and digest it slowly... this standstill, is what gets me about shakespeare.

a little late... but at least i'm not preggie
here's my new year's resolutions list... i am thinking of it on the spot so do not expect anything life changing from me this year. lol.
(in no particular order... but then again, they are coming to me in a particular order and that must mean something, right?)

1. drink more.
2. smoke more. (i am going against the norm with these "more" resolutions)
3. continue the work-out schedule i perfected first semester
4. start writing again. and not just on here... in a notebook... on paper
5. start sketching... nothing big... just SOMETHING
6. become better friends with suzie. figure out why i get this cold vibe from her... even though i think she's wicked awesome. also, must figure out why i always feel the need to impress her... and why she always seems to be better than me. and why this matters at all.
7. buy a new cd every other week. i figure i can catch up on a lot of bands i want to know if i just follow this one.
8. buy more presents for people. just little things. and write them more notes. because coming home to notes and presents is always loverly.
9. find a place to live for next fall. AH. so excited.
10. stop thinking so much about you know what sam.
11. stop caring how i come off to people... how i am appearing to them... my "image"... because its petty and i hate it. it absolutely disgusts me about myself. and its been getting worse.
12. care about the small things less. (i know this is a common one... but it needed to be said)
13. do more exploring in montreal
14. stop trying to fix my family

thats all thats coming to mind right now... i might add some more on later... well, i am going to lie down and feel uncomfortable in the bed that i have been away from for 2 weeks. sigh.