by my side
i woke up crying yesterday. i was bawling in my dream. trying to justify myself to you. and i woke up feeling like shit. it was a pretty poo crap way to start the day. but... my pyjama day worked out perfectly. i did a lot of reading and rented a movie. splendido.

i think that was the second time i've awoken to tears. its not a fun feeling. the end.

soft male voices
sometimes i need the sparklehorse... the elliot smith... iron and wine... the kings of convenience... and the sufjan stevens. sometimes i need the whispering voices of male singers that sound like they are lacking in the testosterone department. i like to imagine their faces all pained while they try to hold the soft, whispy singing voice. sometimes i like to feel like they are lying beside me in bed, sharing a pillow with me... singing softly in my ear. sometimes.

other times, i want to shoot them in the face for sounding so soft. sometimes i prefer nick cave. sometimes pulp. smog. arab strap. cinerama. the national. something harsh. something deeper. like a slap in the face. i want to hear a voice that doesn't try so hard. bold. brash. he's not whispering into my ear, i'm naked in bed and he's standing over me with a cigarette. wearing my slippers.

i had a point to this. o yes. tonight, i feel like curling up infront of the telly and watching ghost world. and tomorrow will be pyjama day. i just want to lie around, eat cereal, do some reading, and be lazy. we'll see if that actually happens.

i'm in a really splendid mood today, and i can't figure out why that is.
i'm very content.

you can be my friend
you can be my dog
you can be my light
you can be my fog
- sparklehorse, apple bed

my friends are all starting to look old
you can see the lines where their smiles dont go
you can hang around when i wanna be alone
have i told you so?

so whats the word for love when it breaks cos its old?
- ill lit, "i told you so"

another convo
she's sitting alone at a table of strangers. i'm one of those strangers. i'm wearing a black sweater and listening to the jazz on stage. this band is kind of shitty. i catch her staring at me.

he says: maybe we should talk to her. i feel kind of bad. she's just sitting there all by herself.

i say: you go ahead. i don't really like a lot of people.

he says: but what if she's really interesting.

i say: i'm willing to take my chances.

and i sit back, light another cigarette, and watch him make awkward conversation. the shitty jazz band plays on and i'm free to stare.

racy
ok. why is it that ebay, (for valentine's day i'm assuming) has decided to lump together a "racy" section on their mainpage that consists of:
lingerie, costumes, high boots, latex, sexy, fishnets, g-string, mask.

MASK!?!

valentine's day kinkiness or not... who in god's name wants to fuck someone that's wearing this.

we're all freaks i tell you... freaks.

everybody poops
sam, retro futuristic. says:
pooping is god's gift to humans
sam, retro futuristic. says:
along with orgasm.
jeanette says:
i'll take two orgasms, drop the pooping please
sam, retro futuristic. says:
i wonder if its possible to shit and cum at the same time
jeanette says:
prolly
sam, retro futuristic. says:
i wonder if that would be amazing
jeanette says:
cum so hard that you shit
jeanette says:
messy
sam, retro futuristic. says:
ok, but if we forget about the mess for one second, i think it would be pretty awesome
jeanette says:
if i'm really really full and its a good clearing shit. yeah..why not
sam, retro futuristic. says:
wait. it gets better: smoking a cigarette, cuming, and shitting
sam, retro futuristic. says:
that is my goal in life. finding someone who can make that dream a reality.
sam, retro futuristic. says:
the holy trinity
sam, retro futuristic. says:
of pleasure
jeanette says:
i feel like your missing something
sam, retro futuristic. says:
hmmmm... candy? candy could get in there
jeanette says:
perhaps..sucking on candy?
jeanette says:
with cigarettes though?
sam, retro futuristic. says:
true say
sam, retro futuristic. says:
I KNOW.
sam, retro futuristic. says:
chocolate milk.
jeanette says:
haha
jeanette says:
yes...
sam, retro futuristic. says:
perfect.

*edit. jeanette wanted me to make sure that i highlighted that we were talking about the good kind of shit... in her words, "ones that come out smoothly." this is probably a good addendum because hard as rock shit faces are so not hot.

*yes, we live together and also spend too much time talking over msn to each other.

as fast as they can
- i hate when i stay up half the night finishing a paper that is due the next day, only to have the professor announce that she is extending the due date by a week. fuckin' hell man. fuckin' 'ell.
- i am way behind in my readings, but my eyes won't stay open to read the words and my fingers fall asleep before they can turn the pages.
- my spaceheater broke and my room is still drafty, despite my attempts at "weather proofing"
- i am feeling overwhelmed with a number of upcoming papers
- i am turning 21 soon. birthdays really aren't what they used to be. now i have to figure out what to do without forcing people to come out with me just because its my birthday.
- i'm in a mood. i'm tired. let's hope its just the tiredness. that feeling is creeping up again. i will ward it off with early beddie. stay away. please.

i was doing alright there for awhile. i'm slipping.

the way things go, you get so low
you struggle to find your skin
well hey ho
look out below
your prayers will never be answered again
- wilco

up above the sea
i had it. that elusive it. its not enough. "it" is not enough to keep you from constantly questioning. once you've had it for too long, you want to know whether there is more than it. if there's a bigger, better it somewhere out there. its not only that. you start to forget what its like not having it. and you wonder whether its worth keeping it. and sometimes its not worth keeping. not because its not amazing. not because you aren't happy. but because that nagging voice starts getting louder. and louder. so loud that you can't feel "it" anymore. all you can feel is that voice whispering. you feel that voice everywhere. everywhere you used to feel "it".

and all of a sudden, "it" is gone.

he saw my gun, he stared
right into my eyes, I fired
his body exploded
and feathers fell all over my lawn
- john vanderslice

zombie limbo time
so comfort came in a dream. a dream that had me waking to thoughts of sweet closure. in the dream i saw you again. i am not entirely sure what was said but i remember you inviting me over. but rather than reassure me of future encounters with you, the dream simply said, "don't worry." i woke up feeling refreshed about the situation. like someone patted me on the back and assured me that it will all work out the way it should. i woke up feeling as though something had been settled. maybe it will happen, maybe it won't.

the movie ends and everyone happily collects their things. the credits are rolling and the closing music gently ushers everyone back out into the bright world. maybe the lovers will get together and maybe they won't. you don't know what the characters do once you stop watching, but you can be content because you have been given the feeling that somehow everything works out.

that is the content i feel.

reading the book of the zombie dead
you told me not to worry
but the pages started curling
and...
zombie rockin' time,
again!
- beat happening

ladyflash
maybe now i can let it go? maybe its better if he is seeing this girl. then i can just let it go. take whatever it was out of the limbo i have suspended it in. and drop it. just drop it. it really is probably maybe better that way.

but look, i can still suspend it. ready? but what if they aren't actually seeing each other? or what if they end it by the time i get back?

see how i did that? i can keep some sort of possibility out there. in limbo.

dammit. why can't i just drop it. and then maybe if he hasn't dropped it, i can pick it back up later. just let me drop it for now. please. i'm getting tired of this magic trick.

kind of hoped you wouldn't blame me
i can't wake up every day and find the same me
you can scream but i'll just dream
how you might disappear
all i know is its never clear
i can't hold you near
you just are not here
- the lemonheads, "hannah & gabi"

sass
is sass dead? really now. let's think about this. dictionary.com defines sass as:

"Impertinent, disrespectful speech; back talk"

clearly there is not a lack of this in our culture. but sass holds a special quality in my mind. its more than back talk. its more than disrespect. its attitude. its stilletos. its women wearing men's hats. its drunkenly falling down in the street spitting in someone's eye. sassy. sass is also that 80s working woman powersuit walking head up high snoot. yes, snoot. i'm worried that this kind of... attitude, boundary breaking, disregard for anyone but yourself... is still around in the form of sass. i'm just not sure there's room in our culture for sass anymore. when did sass become such a vintage term?

it feels like sass has been replaced with irony. irony is so in right now. so in. and sass isn't ironic. i don't think. we're too cool for sass now. if sass is around... its in the ironic form. its not real. its mock courtney love. its fake glam. its smearing your own lipstick on purpose. its modeling your hair after the 40s style diner lady. its powersuits with cleavage. i dont even know what i'm saying. i just feel like its impossible to be truly sassy... without seeming cliche. sass has been done... and now all we have left is irony. we can be ironically sassy... but can we ever be purely, truly sassy again?

is sass dead?

supernatural
i hate when people can't control their alcohol intake. if you can't figure out how much to drink to get to the brink but not fall over the edge... don't go out with me. because i will NOT, i repeat WILL NOT, take care of you. unless it is your birthday or something really bad just happened to you. otherwise, there is no excuse for going over that edge. you just look stupid. and then someone who knows how to drink is forced to take care of you. and this person will not be me. i might smile and wave at you puking in the sink on my way out of the ladies' room. fuck, i might even pat you on the back and ask if you're alright. but that is my limit.

don't worry. i don't expect anything from you if the tables ever turn. but they won't. because i know how to get proper fucked.

the letter i want to write
nana and grandpa,
thanks for the christmas money. i used it to buy myself a nice big bottle of rum. no, i don't know what i am going to do with my life yet. no, i don't take any science or math courses. women's studies. yes, women's studies. sure, maybe i'll be a journalist. that's something that you'd like to hear. you always encouraged my writing. i used to try really hard to impress you with my poetry when i was little.

you should stop going on so many vacations. i might need some of that inheritance one day. or today.

i don't know why you never tell me when you're sick. i guess it would be an awkward conversation anyways.

i wonder if you see through the scripted emails i send you. i go through my life in nice pie slices. leaving out all the real information. giving you the facts you want to hear. i'm doing well in school, i'm happy.

sometimes all i need is a good nicotine rush.

i often wish i was prettier, more interesting. is it sad that i need someone to reassure me of these falsities?

i feel inadequate a lot. i wonder if that will ever go away.

somedays i wake up and just can't wait until its bedtime again. the things i love about the night, are the very things that make me sad and moody about this time.

i'm drinking some wine right now. i'm getting a little heady. i should probably go now. you two take care. and remember what i said about the inheritance.

love
sam

clearly. i could never write them a letter like this. so i will slip into the grand-daughter mode. i'll write as her. and everything will be peachy.

(o gawd, i'm pmsing right now.)

i've seen more spine in jellyfish
a little while ago, i spent a ridiculous amount of time staring out of a tim hortons window. during this time, i drank coffee... scribbled some attempts at writing in my notebook... and listened to a couple's conversation. they were talking about their first impressions of each other. seems like an interesting conversation, no? you'd think. except that this couple was decidedly not the kind of couple you'd go to for interesting conversation. unless you felt like mocking them. which i kind of did. so i guess i was wrong, it was an interesting conversation.

she was concerned that he had thought she was a blonde ditz. i think he pacified her fears by explaining that she was peppy or something equally equivalent to blonde ditz. she bought it and took the liberty of filling most of the conversation with ideas about herself. she wore a pink jumpsuit, by the way. he wore a combat shirt and at one point in the conversation lamented that, "the army makes people ugly." i think i snickered at this point. he wanted to know if she had thought he was a big loser upon first impression. i think she avoided a real answer.

i recognize that trait.

if i had any income to speak of, i would be on a plane this weekend to somewhere south. somewhere warm and sunny. where my white skin will stick out in the beautifully tanned environment. where i can wear my silly sunglasses and spring dresses. its a shame that most boys will never experience the joy that is spring dresses. the feeling of flowing fabric... barely there.

one of my roomies' classmates died the other day. skiing in vermont. he ran into a tree and died instantly. he came to our last party. he was at the joni mitchell thing with me. funny. the beginning of last semester started out with a death as well. a friend of a different roomie. she was in a bus accident. she slipped into a coma and died a few days later. i feel like i'm entering into a new stage of life. one that requires more navigation in order to survive. navigation and luck. and as dramatic as it sounds... i sort of feel like people are just dropping off. one day they're here... the next they are just gone. and its only the beginning. i have no concept of my own mortality. none whatsoever.

tidbit.
i always put my left shoe on first. sometimes i will put the right one on first, but it always feels wrong.

post-its
"we all need a witness to our lives."
"velina 569-****"
"get ISIC card."
"freckles."
"l'oreal preference 'natural black'"
"11:14!"
"Nana and Grandpa/Janet and Jeff"
"$90?"
"Douglas Hospital Green Line to De L'Eglise up to Wellington bus 58 1st ent."

i just wanted all of you.
i like how that line can mean two different things.

i just wanted to get through.

its strange putting people on pedestals. and then watching them fall. does anyone ever live up to the expectations we have of them? i cant really think of anyone right now that has truly lived up to the high place i had them sitting. are our standards too high? i'm sure i've fallen from many pedestals. no, i know i've fallen from many pedestals. i hate when i realize that someone has me on a pedestal. do we fall on purpose? do we recognize other people's expectations of us... and then deliberately fall? just so that we can be off that damn pedestal.

i wanna get some love and respect.

a friend asked me today why i was single. and i made up some bullshit answer. i'll let you in on a secret. you can tell that i'm bullshitting when i give you too much information. when i say too much. that's usually me bullshitting. either that, or i'm revealing something personal... and i really want to make sure you understand it right. so i will repeat it many different times, in different ways. its weird how my bullshitting and my revealing... are so similar. hard to tell the difference sometimes. i think that says something about me. but i'm just not quite sure what.

she keeps on waiting for time out.

funny how a good mood can be so easily ruined.

you should be in my space. you should be in my life.

i'm going to stop hoping for some contact from you.

i left behind with no doubt in my mind i was gone
but ten years reflection
and sudden affection comes on.

taken aback by the fact that i picked up the phone
tried to convince you i'll be 'round one day
you're probably thinking
"just fade away."

alien
construction work fascinates me. i wonder why we look down on construction workers. let's just forget about the obvious reference/stereotype of the dirty old construction man for one second. if we can forget that... these people (usually men) are building the cities. literally building them with their hands. they are the ones responsible for the architecture we leave behind. but we credit the architects. i dont know. but to me, actually having a hand in building a city... hands on... laying metal poles down... its just kind of breathtaking. imagine being an alien. and seeing these people working... while the rest of us mull about from class to class... or office to office... getting on the bus and getting off. all the while, these men are building the structures we're moving in. we move while they build and eventually we'll move in what they build. we carry on with our daily lives and their daily lives are filled with creating. while we are just waking up, they are finishing the structures that will make up our daily landscape.

am i crazy, or is this kind of beautiful?

the first five times
...fifth time in your bedroom
when finally we rested...

the first time it was awkward
i wrapped myself in blankets
it was unclear whether i should have stayed the rest of the night
we barely looked at each other afterwards

the second time was amazing
we both giggled and sighed after
you invited me to stay the night
and we cuddled

the third time was over thanksgiving
you smiled slyly when you invited me over
you were visibly nervous on the way
you offered me pjs but i declined, knowing they'd be off soon anyways
you reached for me in the morning
and we played with each other's hands

the fourth time was before the new year
your room had changed and i sat on the bed waiting for you
we didnt waste much time
i told you how weird it was to be home
and you replied that not much changes
you were almost late for work the next morning
the goodbye in the car was awkward and perfect.

the fifth time was only a couple of days ago
i was pretty drunk
we lay in bed talking before turning towards each other
i let go.
i tried to burn your image into my head that night
i didnt want to forget
we talked for hours
i think we let each other in a bit more
and in the morning you drove me home

this is turning into a story and i will be interested to see if this was the last five times. or if there's more. its a page turner. but i do know that i loved to look at myself in your closet mirror as i lay in your bed. and i like you. and i can say it now.

2005
my hopes
- i can get through this semester with enough energy to fathom finishing another 2 years.
- i can stop striving for something that i cannot reach/should not strive for anyways.
- i will focus on school and accept loneliness as reality, not as something that desperately needs to be fixed.
- i will not wait for an email.
- i will dance a lot.
- i will create. poems. pictures. stories.
- i won't judge. as much.
- i will meet some nice boys. to give me nice experiences. without sweeping me off my feet too too much.
- i will stay on my feet.
- i will design a new tattoo.
- i won't be afraid.
- i won't be afraid.

somehow, the not being afraid... that's a big one. a huge one. the secret to everything.

- i will travel. without a real plan.
- i will love. i will hate. i will hurt.
- i want another year like the ones i have been having.
- another year of growth. i don't want the growth to stop.
- i don't want the growth to stop.

another big one.

and now i will slip off to sleep... dream a little dream of me.

the required year in review.
(aka whatever comes to mind right now)

so... 2004 is through. what did it bring me?

love
- a fresh outlook on an old love. an amazing summer of patios and sleepovers in a tiny basement room. comfort and security.
- hard words to hear. but true ones. i learned that maturity is possible and boy does it make break-ups a hell of a lot easier. ex-lovers can be friends. i promise.
- flirting with the boss and making it with a co-worker were excellent rebound strategies. i learned that it is possible to be away from people for long periods of time... and have little change in important ways. every relationship can be important, no matter how superficial it seems.
- i'm learning to be alone. and i'm learning that sometimes it can be pretty sad.

family
- i don't think family is supposed to make all that much sense.
- i do think that the parents are finally letting go. which is nice. and it makes our relationship a little less volatile.
- i also learned that when i come back to the parents house, there is this really nice comforting feel about being here. its got a very nice feel to it.
- i'm not sure where "home" is anymore. and i think this is part of growing.

school
- i eased out of first year with little trouble. i had a rejuvinated relationship that helped me stay content. it really did.
- the fall semester was like a tornado of emotions. everyone was falling apart and i was no exception. i am putting a lot of hope into this next semester. i am a little scared that this christmas break wasn't enough to... well, solve things.

life
- i'm only starting to really understand what its all about. i'm only starting to feel the freedom that i've been preparing myself for. and i'm trying not to be bored with it. i'm just not feeling the same excitement that i used to. anticipation is always better than actual events.
- it will never make sense. but it will always keep you on your toes.
- people will forever fascinate me.
- i will continue to unravel myself and the strings that hold me together.

resolutions
i really want to make some. i just can't figure out what right now. i'll get back to you.